KNIGHTS
by Vaati's Apprentice
Summary: Knights is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
1. Whatchya' Gonna Do?

You can always count on me to come up with something original. Well, not really. Considering that this is based on Cops. None of the actuall Zelda charectors will be the knights (except Ashei). Instead, they will be the fellons. Let's make this fun, shall we? Tell me who you would like to see get busted. And on what charges, if you feel the need. Just leave the funny stuff up to me. I do not own the Legend of Zelda or Cops.

EPISODE 1: WHATCHYA' GONNA DO?

-June 15th, 11:30 P.M., Hyrule Field-

Officer Spark and Deputy Leeroy were riding down Hyrule Field on horseback. "We've been getting alot of calls lately about some disorderly driving. The Hyrule Brewery has been really busy ever since they discovered that new formula that gets people intoxicated three times faster than usuall." Spark said. (A/N: He's talking into the camera in case you're wondering. And I know that there are no cameras in Hyrule. But for the sake of this fic, there are.)

At that moment, a man sped by on a horse. "There's one, let's get him." Spark said. The two knights took off after the man while making loud "WHOOO!!!" noises with their mouths.

"Someday they're going to invent a machine that makes noises and flashes lights." Leeroy said.

"Stop talking non-sense, Deputy." Spark said to the new recruit. They caught up with the man after he had pulled over. The knights got off their horses and approached the man. It was none other than the ex-evil king, Ganondorf Dragmire.

"Do you know how fast you were going back there?" Spark asked.

"What's it to you?" Ganondorf asked with a slurred voice.

"Sir, not only were you going 2,000 paces per hour over the speed limit, you were riding irradically also. I'm going to have to ask you to step off your horse." Spark said. Ganondorf dismounted while mumbling something inapropriate. "All right Sir, I'm going to need you to walk across this line." Spark said, drawing a straight line with the tip of his sword.

"Oh f this, I can't even fing do this when I'm fing sober." Ganondorf said. He took a few steps before stumbling over own feet.

"Sir, I'm going to have to place you under arrest for Riding Under Intoxication." Leeroy said.

"Screw you!" Ganondorf yelled, and took off running. The knights took off after him. Spark managed to tackle Ganondorf and he and Leeroy kicked him repeatedly.

"Wait, Sir I think he's dead." Leeroy said, noticing that Ganondorf was no longer moving.

"We are in some deep sh. Hey, turn that camera off!" Spark yelled, punching the camera.

-June 17th, 3:45 P.M., Ordon Village-

Officer Ashei walked down the main road in Ordon Village. "We've gotten several complaints of some strange activity at mayor Bo's house. So, I'm going to go check it out, yeah." Ashei said.

She approached Bo's house and knocked on the door. The door opened and Bo stepped out with a dazed look in his eyes. "Sir, I'm here to investigate some disorderly conduct, yeah." Ashei said.

"There's nothing to worry about here, officer. You can move on now." Bo said in a nervous voice. It was then that Ashei noticed Ilia crawling around inside while saying "Preeety colors.".

"Sir, is there something wrong with that child?" Ashei asked.

"Why would you ask that?" Bo asked.

"She looks higher than a kite, yeah." Ashei said.

"She's just upset because her boyfriend Link left her for Princess Zelda." Bo said.

"I'm going to have to come inside." Ashei said, forcing her way past Bo. She strolled into the sumo room. "Holy Farore, is this a meth lab!?" she yelled.

"No, of course not. This is, uuuh...err...my uh... my chemistry set!" Bo said.

"Sir, I'm placing you under arrest." Ashei said.

"No, you can't make me go back there!" Bo yelled defiantely. Ther was the sound of a sword being drawn, screaming, then silence.

Then Ashei came out of the house, steeped in blood. "Well, sometimes you just need to kill a family to keep the peace around here, yeah." Ashei said, making for the village's exit.

-June 20th, 12:30 P.M., Kakariko Village-

Officers Kane and Pierce were walking down the strip in Kakariko. "We have a report of an incident at Malo Mart. Seems a distraught Zora named Mikau has taken a hostage." Kane said.

They pushed their way through the crowd outside the shop. "Mikau, come out with your hands up and the hostage at a safe distance!" Pierce yelled.

"I want my demands met, or the girl dies!" Mikau yelled, refusing to come out.

"All right, what do you want!?" Kane yelled.

"I want... a pie! Then, I want a safe way out of here!" Mikau yelled.

"Well, we can't get you a pie! But the Elde Inn has some cake!" Pierce yelled.

"Do you think this is a game!?" Mikau yelled, clearly getting annoyed. "I'm gonna kill this girl if I don't get some fing pie!" Mikau yelled.

"All right, come out and we'll clear the people out and get you your pie!" Kane yelled.

Mikau stepped out of the shop while holding the sharp side of his right fin pressed against Hena's neck. He had his other arm wrapped around her body to keep her from running away.

Suddenly, Mikau dropped to the ground with an arrow sticking out of his head. Hena mad a run for it. "Pierce, what did you do!?" Kane yelled, noticing that his partner had his bow out.

"I didn't want him to hurt the girl." Pierce said defencively.

"You don't shoot a hostage taker! Get that camera out of my face!" Kane yelled, blocking out the camera.

END OF EPISODE: 1

There's the first episode of what I hope will be a long series. I listening to the song "Bad Boys" while writing this whole thing. Probably how I got my inspiration. Ayway, drop a review on your way out.


	2. Bad Boys

Well it seems that my new story is working out quit well. I mean, I only have two reviews. But that will change soon enoughe. Anyway, I said in the final chapter of Hyrule Park that I would be giving the details of Rauru's arrest. And that's what I'm going to do. But I can't forget about my reviewers. So, I will be doing a few scenarios that bhbman90 suggested to me. And I hope to put profiles of the officers into my bio for those of you who may be getting confused. I do not own the Legend of Zelda.

EPISODE 2: BAD BOYS

-June 21st, 5:00 p.m., Hyrule Castle Town-

Officer Spark and Deputy Leeroy were walking towards the Temple of Time. "We've gotten reports from several parents that their children didn't come home after Sunday School. So we're just going to ask the priest about what went on." Spark said.

The knights entered the Temple of Time and saw Rauru reading from a tome on the Pedistal of Time. "Why hello children of the goddesses. How may I help you on this fine day?" Rauru asked.

"Sir, we're here investigating some missing children reports. Four children from Ordon Village were reported missing after they failed to come home after Sunday School. And the parents said that you were the most likely person to have seen them last." Spark said.

"Ah yes, I remember them. I was giving a lecture on how the Goddesses are our saviors. And how we must thank them for all they have given us. However, the children just went home." Rauru said.

"But, Sunday School is over at 1:00 p.m." Leeroy said.

"Well... it took longer than I expected." Rauru said nervousely.

"Yeah, about four hours longer. If the children just left, we would've seen them on our way in." Spark said.

"Well, they went out back to uuuh... hunt rabid Kokiri, yes that's it." Rauru said.

At that moment, a tiny voice said "Help.". "What was that?" Spark asked.

"Oh, that was just me. I have, uuh... Talking Fat Syndrom." Rauru said.

"Leeroy, check out that door." Spark said, pointing to a small door in the wall. Leeroy opened the door to reviel the Ordon Children. They all had tears in their eyes and they were bruised. "WHAT THE F!!!?" Spark yelled. "What are those children doing in the basement?" Spark asked, facing Rauru.

"We are, uuh... having a tea party." Rauru said. After seeing that Spark wasn't buying it, he said "Just try to catch me knights. May the Goddesses have mercy on your souls!" Rauru yelled, and took off. He didn't get very far before Spark and Leeroy tackled him to the ground. "Aaah, ow not there! Children, help me!" Rauru yelled whil the knights savagely beat him.

-June 23rd, 7:00 a.m., Romani Ranch-

Officer Ashei and her new partner Deputy Fenix (a young human girl with long red hair and a sometimes annoyingly cheerful atitude) were walking towards the farm house on Romani Ranch. "We've been getting some strange reports of other wordly beings hanging around the ranch. So we're just going to talk with the owner and see what we can find out, yeah." Ashei said.

They approached Cremia, who was milking a cow in the field. "Ma'am, we're with the Hyrule Knights Department. We need to ask you a few questions." Ashei said, flashing her badge.

"Hyrule? What are you doing in Termina?" Cremia asked.

"We're not entirely sure. We just need you to answer a few questions." Fenix said. But, at that moment, a wierd looking creature walked... er, floated up to Cremia.

"Excuse me Senora, but where do you want the Chateu Romani to go?" it asked with a wierd accent.

"Wait a second; the glowing eyes, the strange clothes, the clammy skin. This is an alien... an illegal alien from Subrosia!" Fenix said.

"What, don't be silly. This is just my little sister. She fell inside a toxic waste dump when she was little and she's looked like this ever since." Cremia said nervously.

"What was that Chateu Romani stuff that he mentioned?" Ashei asked.

"Here you go Senorita. Always a pleasure to serve the men and women in armor." the alien said, handing Ashei a bottle of milk.

Ashei unkorked the bottle and sniffed it curiously. "This is pure cokane, yeah." Ashei said. "Ma'am, you are under arrest for employing illegal aliens and possetion of a controlled substance." Ashei said, reaching for her cuffs.

"The hell I am!" Cremia yelled, and made a dash for her wagon. She tried to climb in but was grabbed from behind, thrown to the ground, beaten, and handcuffed.

-June 25th, 10:45 p.m., Telma's Bar-

Officer Kane and Officer Pierce were having a few drinks after a long day of doing nothing. "Somtimes, even a knight needs to kick back and relax." Kane said.

At that moment, Oocoo came running out of the back room crying. "Something the matter?" Pierce asked.

"Help, he's after me!" Oocoo yelled frantically.

"You, get back in here!" Shad yelled, coming out of the room with nothing but his pants on.

"Hold it, Sir. This... thing, shows the classic signs of being molested." Kane said, stepping in front of Shad.

"Ma'am, did this man touch you?" Pierce asked Oocoo. She nodded. "Can you show me, on this vodka bottle, where he touched you?" Pierce asked, holding a bottle of vodka.

"Right on my Smirnoff." Oocoo said.

"You are under arrest for rape." Kane said.

"Oh no I'm not!" Shad yelled, making a dash for the door.

However, Pierce tripped him and, due to the adrenalin, he pulled out his sword and repeatedly struck Shad with it while yelling "Stop resisting arrest! Stop resisting arrest! Stop resisting arrest!".

"Pierce, stop!" Kane yelled, grabbing Pierces arm.

Pierce looked down and saw the bloody mess that was once Shad. "I done a bad thing." Pierce said.

END OF EPISODE: 2

There is chapter two. I hope this is still funny. Don't forget to tell me who want to be thrown into the Iron Bar Hotel (that means jail).


	3. Police Won't Give ya no Break

Hey, it's update time! Sorry I havn't updated in such a long time. I've been busy playing World of Warcraft. And my Troll warrior finally made level 40! Now I'm free to ride my raptor across Azeroth. Plus, I had to get over my excitement when I heard that Wrath of the Lich King had been oficially announced. Anyway, I'll be using some suggestions that were given to me by TheFireSage and bhbman90. As well as an original idea of my own. I do not own the Legend of Zelda. Enjoy.

EPISODE 3: POLICE WON'T GIVE YA NO BREAK

-July 15th, 4:00 p.m., Lon Lon Ranch-

Ashei and her partner Fenix were walking through the gates of Lon Lon Ranch wich, apparently, needed to be left open 24/7. "We just got a report about some disorderly conduct, yeah. Apparently this person has assaulted several visitors to the ranch and has attempted to violate some of them with a milk bottle. If you don't understand that, you're probably better off, yeah." Ashei said.

The two knights approached the door of the farm house and Ashei knocked on the door. A voice from inside said "Malon, I told you, I've already seen what you did with the cucco. And once was enough." (the less you know, the better).

"Sir, we're HKD. We're here on reports of some disorder." Ashei said.

"Oh thank Nayru." Talon said, opening the door. "My daughter stole some Chateu Romani from Termina and started experimenting with different formulas to try to make our milk better than anything that Termina can make. She used any liqued she could get her hands on; water, potion, Zora blood, Goron urine, you name it. And she tested one too many experimental batches and now she's worse than a crack whore and a drunkard combined." Talon whined.

"All right sir, where is she now?" Fenix asked.

"Over there, do me a favor and get rid of that crazy-ass bitch." Talon pleaded, pointing to the field in the center of the ranch.

The two cautiously approached the field and saw Malon trying to castrate a young stallion with a rusty hatchet "Come on Kurion, it'll only hurt if you keep struggling." Malon said.

"Ma'am, we're going to have to ask you to put the axe down, yeah." Ashei said.

"Who the hell are you?" Malon asked in a drunken slurr.

"I'm officer Ashei, and this is my partner Fenix." Ashei said.

"Heh, you're kinda hot." Malon said.

"Ma'am, how much have you had to drink?" Fenix asked.

"I don't see how that's any of your business. Now get out of here... all six of you. And shut that baby up on your way out." Malon said, still in a drunken slurr.

Ashei and Fenix looked at each other and nodded, there was no need for a sobriety test. "All right ma'am, you're going to come with us." Ashei said as she and Fenix started leading Malon towards the exit.

"Where are we going?" Malon asked.

"Don't worry, we're going to see Santa Clause." Fenix said.

"I like Santy Clause, he's my friend." Malon said.

-July 17th, 5:00 p.m., Kakariko Village-

Officers Kane and Pierce were walking calmly through the streets of Kakariko while the citicens ran past them while screaming like frightened baby Gorons. Kane was speaking but he couldn't be heard over the din of screams. But, here's what he said "We've been getting several reports of a creature of unimaginable terror. But i thaught that the citicens did this sort of thing _every_ Tuesday.".

"Today's Friday, stupid." Pierce said.

A man ran up and grabbed Kane by the collor of his armor. "HELP, FOR THE LOVE OF NAYRU!!! IT'S HORRIBLE!!!" the man screamed.

Kane gave the man a punch on the side of his skull wich knocked him to the ground. "I don't care if you're in trouble or not, you don't touch me like that. It's not cool." Kane said.

At that moment, the creature in question appeared before them. It was... a fairy. And it was yelling completely obvious things. Like the fact that everyone was in extreme pain and that the man that Kane punched was out cold. "Ma'am, it appeares that you are disturbing the peace. I'm going to have to get your name." Pierce said.

The fairy quited down to think. "Uum, my name. All right, it's coming to me. I think it's Nav... Durnt, yeah that's it." the fairy said.

"Are you sure it's not Navi? That's what that sign says." Pierce said, pointing to a sign wich had _Repent, the great destroyer, Navi, has arrived to end all life _written on it in human blood.

"Nope, my name is definately Durnt." Navi said.

"DON'T LISTEN TO HER!!! SHE'LL EAT YOUR HEART AND MAKE A PIE OUT OF YOUR BONE MARROW!!!" the man who was previously thaught to be knocked out yelled.

"Shut up already!" Kane yelled before delivering a strong kick to the man's head.

"Ma'am, you're under arrest for disturbing the peace." Pierce said.

"Oh no I'm not!" Navi yelled before she took off flying. She didn't get very far before she was eaten by a passing Keese.

"Job well done Pierce. Let's go get some food." Kane said.

"What about this guy?" Pierce asked, pointing at the man who Kane had kicked in the head.

"He's not going anywhere." Kane said. And so the two left the now deserted village.

"I'm still lying here. Why isn't anyone helping me?" the man said, regaining his contiousness again.

-July 20th, 8:00 p.m., Hyrule Castle Courtyard-

Link and Zelda, who were now engaged to be married, were sitting together on the small staircase in the courtyard where they had first met. "Zelda, do you remember when we first met?" Link asked as Zelda snuggld up next to him. (AN: If you havn't noticed by now, I put a LinkxZelda moment in each of my fics.)

"Yes. I didn't realize it at the time, but my guards being completely unable to protect me from intruders was the best thing that ever happened to me." Zelda said.

"You know, I was too young when we first met to understand what love was. But when I first saw you after I had freed all the sages, something inside told me that you were the woman that the Goddesses had chosen me to be with forever. Did you feel the same way about me?" Link asked.

"Well, after I stopped laughing inwardly at your outfit, that's when I was captured by Ganondorf. And then I started wondering what was taking you so long. But once all the chaos was over, I did realize how much I truly loved you." Zelda said.

"Princess, step away from the man! He is very dangerous!" Spark yelled as he and Leeroy ran in with their swords drawn. (AN: Now this is when it starts to be like an episode of Cops. I just _had _to throw that first part in.)

"What is the meaning of this!?" Zelda demanded, standing up.

"We have reason to believe that this man is a murderer." Spark said.

"What, I've never killed anyone before." Link said.

"Silence, fiend! We recieved an anonomis tip that claimed that you were responsible for the murder of Vaati." Leeroy explained.

"Well of course I killed him. He was trying to drain Zelda's power." Link explained.

"AHA, we have a confession!" Spark yelled.

"You're not taking my precious Link away from me!" Zelda yelled, hugging Link close to her.

"Leeroy, restraine the princess." Spark ordered.

A large two-on-two fight broke out. Little did the brawlers know, they were being watched. A shady figure stood on top of one of the walls surrounding the courtyard. The figure took a small crystal orb out of his pocket. "I have done as you commanded." he said into the orb.

The voice of Vaati came out of the orb "Well done, my apprentice.".

END OF EPISODE: 3

Well, I finally managed to tear myself away from World of Warcraft to update this story. And don't worry about Link. Remember, all suspects are innocent until proven guilty. Now I'm going to level up my new Undead warlock. FOR THE HORDE!!!


	4. Why do ya Have to Act so Mean

Well, bhbman99 reminded me that I have stories to write. So here I am once again. Like last time, I have been very busy playing World of Warcraft and EverQuest. I've been working on leveling my Dark Elf wizard, wich takes some time. But now I'm back. Don't forget to give me a suggestion for a charector to arrest. I do not own the Legend of Zelda. Enjoy the new chapter.

CHAPTER 4: WHY DO YA HAVE TO ACT SO MEAN?

-July 22nd, 8:00 p.m., Clock Town-

Spark and Leeroy were walking towards the Clock Tower in the center of Clock Town. "We've gotten a few reports of some strange activity coming from inside the Clock Tower." Spark said. Spark and Leeroy pushed open the double doors and entered the tower.

Inside were three members of the Bombers gang. Except now they were a little older, about the same age as Link. "Hey guys, and what exactly are you doing?" Leeroy asked.

The three turned around with a look of surprise on there faces. "Uuh, we're picking up hot chicks." member #1 said.

"Underneath the Clock Tower?" Spark asked, clearly not buying it.

"Well yeah, where else are we going to do it?" member #2 said.

"I'm going to have to ask you three to get up against the wall." Spark said. The three turned around and put there hands on the wall. "Leeroy, search them." Spark said. Leeroy pulled an elastic glove over his right hand while the three Bombers exchanged worried looks with each other. "How about we search their pockets first, Leeroy?" Spark suggested.

"Oh, right." Leeroy said, taking the glove off. The Bombers breathed a sigh of relief. Leeroy pat-searched the three. "Sir, look at this." Leeroy said, holding up a bag of white powder.

"Uuh, that's just some ground faries. My grandma is sick and, uuh..." member #3 started to say. But with that, he made a dash for the exit. But after he ran out, he was immediately run over by an angry Dodongo stampede.

"What the (BLEEP) was that about?" Leeroy asked.

"These Termanians and their carnivals. Every year they get more and more suicidal." Spark said. "Well boys, we've got a very special place for people like you." Spark said, handcuffing one of the two remaining members and motioning for Leeroy to do the same.

-July 23rd, 3:00 a.m., Hyrule Castle-

Ashei and Fenix were sitting outside the main Gate of Hyrule castle. "Prince Link and Princess Zelda have given us a report that they have been hearing some noises outside there bedroom window, yeah. Primarily at night, but also when Link is alone. The guards have also said that there are always stains on the windows whenever the noises are reported, as if someone had been drooling on it, yeah. So we believe that the couple has a stalker. And we are here to catch him, yeah." Ashei said.

Just then, the knight's long ears picked up the sound of snapping twigs. The two drew there swords and rushed off in the direction of the sound. "You, stop right there!" Fenix yelled, seeing the intruder climbing a tree in an attempt to reach the balcony of the royal bed chamber.

Fenix grabbed the perp's ancle and threw her down the ground and jumped out of the tree after it, and whaked it several times with the hilt of her sword. "Ouch, hey I give! Look I'm not even fighting back!" the perp yelled.

"What the hell is going on out here!?" the knights and the intruder looked up to see Link standing on the balcony looking down angrily.

"Your Majesty, we have captured the intruder, yeah." Ashei said, kneeling before Link. "How do you wish to have her killed; beheading, hanging, or perhaps we can throw her into a tank full of rabid Deku Scrubs?" Ashei asked.

"Link, you can't let them kill me before you confess your love to me!" the perp yelled.

"What are you talking about? Oh Nayru, not you again." Link said, realizing who it was. It was... RUTO (AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH)!!! "I had a restraining order put on you seven years ago." Link said.

"Link, you can't marry Zelda. I love you!" Ruto yelled desperately.

"Yes, but you love me in a psychotic way. Zelda loves me in a romantic way, the same way I love her." Link said.

"I defy you to name three things she has that I don't." Ruto said.

"Clothes, hair, and a fully functional brain." Link said.

"I defy you to name three more." Ruto said.

"Link darling, are you coming back to bed?" Zelda asked, coming onto the balcony. "And just what is she doing here!?" Zelda yelled, noticing Ruto.

"Leaving. Take her to the holding chambers. I shall deal with her in the morning." Link ordered. "Come my love, let's return to bed." Link said, escorting his fiance' back into the bedroom.

Ruto shrieked in protest as the two knights dragged her off to the holding chamber. Yet again, a shady figure watched them from a distance. He was holding the same krystal ball in the palm of his hand. "The water sage has been dispatched." he said.

The voice of Vaati came out of the ball, "Well done. The humans are stupid, but not stupid enough to convict there own prince. But they will definitely make fish sticks out of the sage." Vaati said, cackling evilly.

-June 25th, 2:00 p.m., Woodfall Swamp-

Kane and Pierce were walking into the swamp "We've been getting some reports of a strange creature floating around here. So we're going to check things out." Kane said.

The two climbed the ladder to the visitors center. "Sir, we're here to find the creature in question." Pierce said to the man at the photo contest desk.

"Aah, yes. That little (BLEEP)er. He keeps saying that he's my son. But he's twenty years older than me. Not only that, he tries to get children into his hous with promises of fairies and candy." the man said.

"This sounds like one sick son of a bitch." Kane said.

"He was last seen floating around the entrance to the swamp." the man said.

Kane and Pierce thanked the man and left. It wasn't long before they saw a midget floating from a balloon. "Pierce, take him out." Kane said. Pierce took out his bow and shot an arrow through the balloon wich made the man fall to the ground. He was probably too high to realize that the fall should've killed him.

"Sir, we're HKD. We're going to have to ask you some questions." Kane said.

"Ooh, a fairy. Tingle loves fairies." Tingle said, bouncing around happily. "Tingle-tingle-kooloo-limpa! Tingle made up those magic words himself, don't steal them." Tingle said.

"Believe me, that's the last thing I want to do to you." Pierce said.

"Sir, you've been accused of child molestation. What do you have to say about that?" Kane asked.

"Tingle will tell you if you agree to take him to your fairy homeworld." Tingle said.

"That's it, I've had it!" Pierce yelled, putting his sword throu Tingle's head. "Feel the sweet embrace of Feldra's hoof against your face." Pierce said to the bloody corpse. (A/N: Feldra is pretty much a the demonic version of Din. And no she's not an official charector, I made her up.)

"You really need to take some anger management classes." Kane said.

END OF CHAPTER: 4

There is the latest chapter. Might as well get it in before school starts. Well, hope you liked it. See ya around.


	5. Reflection Comes and Reflection Goes

"Three Horde incoming." "The blacksmith needs help!" "Who's guarding the mines?" "We're (BLEEP)ed!" that's just what I think the Alliance were saying to each other during my last trip to the Arathi Basin battleground. That's also the reason why I havn't updated in so long, too much World of Warcraft. I have four charectors (all Horde) who need to be worked on every weekend since my parents don't let me play on school days (grrr). Anyway, the update has finally arrived. I do not own the Legend of Zelda.

CHAPTER 5: REFLECTION COMES AND REFLECTION GOES

-June 27th, Hyrule Knights Department Headquerters, 2:00 p.m.-

Spark and Leeroy currently standing outside of the interrogation room. "We've got a suspect in there who we arrested earlier for the murder of an old Zora man. We don't know if he did it or not, but we'll find out. I'm going to go in there and a little good knight-bad knight." Spark said to the camera.

"Sir, don't you need two knights to play good knight-bad knight?" Leeroy asked.

"Leeroy, who's the superior officer here?" Spark asked.

"You sir." Leeroy said with a sigh.

"Yes, now stand back and watch." Spark said. Spark opened the door and entered the small room with Prince Ralis sitting at the wooden table. The young Zora looked up at Spark with worry in his eyes. "Don't worry little Zora. I'm just here to ask you a few questions." Spark said.

"What did I do wrong?" Ralis asked.

"Nothing, you didn't do anything. This must be a very hard time for you." Spark said in a soothing voice, putting his hand on Ralis' shoulder. "First your mother dies. Then your older sister, Ruto, is strung up by her entreils and her corpse is paraded through Hyrule Castle Town (yes, that is the punishment that Link came up with). And now your advisor has been murdered." Spark said.

"Yes, I don't know why I have so many burdens placed on me at such a young age." Ralis said.

"All things happen for a reason. Don't worry, I'm sure your mother would be very proud of you." Spark said, taking his hand off Ralis' shoulder.

"You think so?" Ralis asked.

_"All right, bad knight time." _Spark thought to himself. "Silence!" he yelled, slamming his fists onto the desk. "What is the capitol of Holodrum?" Spark demanded.

"What?" Ralis asked in bewilderment.

Spark gave him a slap across the face. "Wrong answer!" he yelled. _"Good knight time againe." _Spark thought. "Yes, I'm positive that your mother would be proud." Spark said, going back to his soothing voice.

"Uuh, thank you." Ralis said.

"Wait here." Spark said. He got up and exited the room. He came back with a box in his hands. It had two cords coming out of it with a lever on the top. "Do you know what this is, kid?" Spark asked, now back to his angry voice. Ralis shook his head. "We call it the Shock Box. We use it on people who don't want to cooperate. We take this cord and put it here. Then we take this cord and put it here." Spark said, putting both cords down his pants. "Then we pull this." Spark said, pulling the lever on the box. Then there was the sound of electricity surging and Spark screaming in agony.

-June 27th, Hyrule Knights Department Headquerters, 2:10 p.m.-

On the other side of the building, Ashei and Fenix had a lineup of suspects in the case of the murder of Ralis' advisor. The two were behind a two-way mirror so the suspects couldn't see them. They also had Jovani, a man who claimed to be a witness of the murder, with them. "All right Jovani, is there anyone here that you recognize, yeah?" Ashei asked.

"Yes, number 4 looks familier." Jovani said.

"Number four, please step foreward." Fenix said into the loudspeaker. Gustoff (at least I think that's his name), the head carpenter, stepped foreward.

"Hmm, I think I need to make this feel more like the night of the murder. Make him act like he's taking a shower." Jovani said.

"All right. Fenix, you heard him." Ashei said.

"Number four, act like you're taking a shower." Fenix said into the loudspeaker. She could see the look of confusion on Gustoff's face. "Just do it." she ordered. Gustoff pretended to turn a couple of nobs, then pretended to wash himself.

"Something's missing. I need to feel like I'm peeping on him. Give me a curtain." Jovani said. Ashei undid her cloak and held it in front of Jovani. He pulled it back a little and leaned to the side, like he was peeking through a window. "This still doesn't feel right. I know, make him sing." Jovani said.

"What?" Ashei asked.

"You heard me." Jovani said.

"Number four, please sing like you are in the shower." Fenix said. Gustoff was hesitant at first, but slowely he began to sing "Do you know the way to Termina?".

"Yes, that's it. Sing for me my song bird." Jovani said.

"All right, that's it, yeah." Ashei said, putting cloak back on. She made a cutting motion across her throught with her index finger at Fenix.

"That's enough, thank you." Fenix said, making Gustoff stop.

"Look, did you really see the murder, yeah?" Ashei asked sternly.

"No." Jovani said at length.

"Lying to knights. That's a criminal offense isn't it Ashei?" Fenix asked.

"Why, yes it is." Ashei said. The two smiled evily at each other. Then turned to Jovani and drew their swords.

-June 29th, Kokiri Forest, 5:00 p.m.-

It was a regular, peacefull day in Kokiri Village. Mido was out bossing the other Kokiri around. Suddenly, Pierce jumped out of the trees with his bow out and an arrow drawn. "Mido, you're under arrest for forced child labor, child cruilty, depriving children of food, and child torturing." Pierce said, pointing his arrow at the center Mido's forehead.

"Put the bow away Pierce. With you it's shoot first, shoot againe, shoot some more. Then, when everybody's dead, try to ask a question or two." Kane said, stepping out of the trees.

"Sorry." Pierce said, putting the arrow back in his quiver.

"What's the meaning of this?" Mido demanded.

"Well, we were here to arrest a man for everything that Pierce just said. Do you know Mido, is he your daddy?" Kane asked.

"No, I'm Mido!" Mido yelled.

"But you're just a kid. Come on junior, tell us where Mido is." Pierce said.

"He is Mido." Saria said.

"And I'm not a kid. I'm four thousand years old and I demand respect." Mido said.

"If you're four thousand, then what did my grandfather do for a living?" Pierce asked, testing Mido.

"I remember him. He gambled and drank every last rupee he had. Then he was hunted down by the citicens of Kakariko for molesting the Cucoos." Mido said.

"He's good." Pierce said.

"Well in that case, we won't have to trie you as a minor." Kane said.

"Wait, I havn't done anything mean. These guys love me, right guys?" Mido said worriedly, turning towards the other Kokiri.

"Please, for the love of the Great Deku Tree, take him away!" one Kokiri pleaded.

"He mad my sister and I strip for him once. I vote you take him." one of the twins said.

"Hang his ass!" one of the Know It All Brothers declared. The other Kokiri shouted in approval.

"Well, that settles it." Kane said. Kane then pulled a burlap sack over Mido, tied it, and threw it over his shoulder.

"Pleasure doing business with you." Pierce said to the Kokiris. The two knights exited the forest while the Kokiri danced merrily and sang "Ding-dong, the witch is dead.".

END OF CHAPTER: 5

Hello humans, I am Vaati. My apprentice is busy with his game at the moment.

Vaati's Apprentice: Eat lightning bolt, accursed Draenie!

Vaati: You see? Anyway, he wanted me to tell you to review. Or else he will quote "Bust a cap in your ass.". I don't know what that means, but it sounds bad. So, review peons!


	6. Sometimes, you Want to Let Go

Man, I seem to get a new game each week. I got Halo 3 this past week. Actually, my brother got it. Halo's a fun game, I'm just still playing Metroid Prime 3. I'd better stop myself before I start to ramble. Anyway, I'm really sorry about the slow update. I just had to do my other fic "Animal I Have Become" while it was fresh in my mind. So, it's time for another episode of KNIGHTS. And let's hear a round of applause for Vslasher and Wiiman for giving me some pretty good ideas for this chapter.

CHAPTER 6: SOMETIMES, YOU WANT TO LET GO

-June 30th, Hyrule Castle Town, 6:00 p.m.-

Spark and Leeroy were headed down the main road in Castle Town. "We've gotten reports about a terrorist living here in Castle Town. Personally, nothing discusts me like a terrorist." Spark said. After some more walking, the two stopped at a small building. "Here we are, the terrorists headquerters. Even the name sounds sinister... The Happy Mask Shop." Spark said, cringing at the sound of the shop's name.

Spark, ignoring the comletely innocent appearence of the shop, unsheathed the hammer he had strapped to his back and used it to smash through the door. Spark jumped inside, yelling and screaming orders as if he were in a battle. Then he noticed the small, smiling, extremely creepy owner of the store. "Good day to you sir. To what do I owe the pleasure of having two knights break into my store?" the owner asked with a wide grin pastered on his face.

"Oh, you know why we're here." Spark said, narrowing his eyes at the owner.

"Uuh, no I really don't." the owner said. He sounded confused but he still had that smile on his face.

"Don't pull this reverse phsycology sh with me! Leeroy, he's playing mind games!" Spark yelled. "You listen to me, you smiley harborer of doom. If there's two things in this world that I can't stand it's terrorism, and snow cones." Spark said.

"Snow cones, sir?" Leeroy asked in confusion.

"Yes, it's snow in a cone. That's not natural, Deputy! If the Goddesses wanted colored snow to be put in paper cones, then they would've made it that way!" Spark proclaimed. The store owner opened his mouth to explaine the many things that were apparently wrong with Spark's mind, but he noticed Leeroy making a cutting motion across his throught with his index finger wich signaled for him to shut his mouth. Leeroy had been through many of his superior's nonsensical rants. And he now knew that it was best to just pretend like what he said made sense. "Now, look at this picture Mr. Smiley! Have you seen this man!?" Spark yelled, pushing a picture into the owner's face.

It was a picture of a heart shaped mask. "Aah yes, that is one of my rarest pieces. I don't usually show it to people, but I can make an acception for a couple of knights like yourselves." the owner said. He dug around underneath his desk and pulled out Majora's Mask.

Spark immediately grabbed the mask. "Aha, here you are! Sir, we're going to be using your back room for a while. Come with me Deputy." Spark said, entering the back door with Leeroy following. In a short time, Spark had Majora's Mask tied to a chair with a latern hanging above it. "You listen to me scum, I've got a few questions that I would like answered. First off, why did you think that you could destroy Termina?" Spark asked the mask. And, of course, the mask didn't answer. "Not talkin' eh?" Spark said.

"Sir, it's an inanimate object. It couldn't talk even if it wanted to." Leeroy said.

"Quite Leeroy, I'm working." Spark said. Spark walked over to a shelf full of masks and pulled out the Gerudo Mask. "I must say, I like your taste in women." Spark said to Majora's Mask before proceeding to make out with the Gerudo Mask. "Yeah, you don't like this very much do you?" Spark asked Majora's Mask mockingly. When it didn't respond, Spark threw the mask to the ground in anger. "What is wrong with you!" Spark yelled, grabbing Majora's Mask. "Wait, there's no pulse... this guy's dead." Spark said gravely.

"Pardon me, but are you going to be much longer?" the salesman asked, standing in the doorway.

"You, you killed this man!" Spark yelled at the salesman. "Leeroy, grab him!" Spark ordered. Spark and Leeroy dragged the salesman kicking and screaming out of the shop.

Majora's Mask sat in the silent storage/interrogation room. "Finally, now I am free to begin my reign of terror." Majora's Mask said. "But you, how could you? And right in front of me two." Majora's Mask said to the Gerudo Mask that was lying on the ground. The Gerudo Mask didn't answer since it wasn't cursed like Majora's Mask. "Your silence says it all." Majora's Mask said.

-July 1st, Arbiter's Grounds, 6:00 p.m.-

Ashei and Fenix were rebuilding the Mirror of Twilight. Ashei wiped the sweat off of her forehead after putting the last piece in place. "We got a report that there's a criminal living beyond this mirror, yeah. I don't exactly know what that means, but I guess we'll find out." Ashei said.

"OK, now how do we work this?" Fenix asked.

"Hell if I know, yeah." Ashei said.

"Here, let's try appeasing it with a sacrifice." Fenix said, taking out a baby Goron (don't ask me where she got a baby Goron) and a tribal dagger.

"Let's not." Ashei said, taking the dagger from her partner's hand.

"Hey, maybe this will do something." Fenix said, walking over to a small stone podium. It had a small button on top of it.

"It's worth a shot, yeah." Ashei said before pushing the button. The mirror shook violently before a beam of light shot out and pulled the starteled knights into the mirror.

The two were now standing inside the Twilight Realm. "Wow, have I been huffing crushed Deku Leaves againe?" Fenix asked, looking around. (A/N: For all you smart asses out there, I'm well aware of the fact that only people who are blessed by the goddesses can enter the Twilight Realm without being turned into a spirit. But for the sake of the fic, Ashei and Fenix aren't changed by entering the Twilight Realm.)

"What?" Ashei asked.

"Nothing." Fenix said quikly. "This must be what that man meant when he said the perp was living beyond the mirror. Maybe those people know where we can find this person." Fenix said, pointing to a group of Twili.

Ashei walked up to one. "Sir, we're HKD, have you seen this person?" Ashei asked the Twili, holding out a pitograph of Midna.

"Aaaaauuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh." the Twili said.

"Wow, she's their princess. Can you believe that Ashei?" Fenix asked.

"You can understand it?" Ashei asked.

"Yeah, I speak a little Twili." Fenix said.

"How in the hell... never mind. Just ask him were we can find her." Ashei said.

"Very well." Fenix said. For the next few minutes, Fenix and the Twili talked to each other. Even though it was just a chorus of "Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh"s. "OK, he says that she's in that castle." Fenix said, pointing to the palace.

The knights entered the Palace and Twilight and quikly made their way to the throne room. "Are you Midna?" Ashei asked the female Twili who was sitting on the throne.

"Auuugggghhh... wait a minute, you speak Hylian? Oh, thank the Light Spirits. All this _aaaaauuuuuggggghhhh_ing is driving me (BLEEP)ing insane. Anyway, yes I am Midna, the Twilight Princess." Midna said.

Ashei slapped Midna across her face. "You heartless son of a bi. If it were up to me, you would be torn apart and fed to mutated Reek Fish, yeah." Ashei said. She could see the confusion on Midna's face. "A wierd guy with an afro who sells oil outside of Ordon Village snapped this pictrograph." Ashei said, holding out a pictrograph. Midna took the pictrograph and examined it. It was a shot of her in her imp form zapping Link (who was in his wolf form) with her magic and yelling at him. "Sorry to break it to you, but you're under arrest for animal cruelty, yeah." Ashei said, taking out a pair of handcuffs.

"Well you'll have to catch me first, humans!" Midna yelled before leaping off her throne and making a dash for the door. However, she suffered the same defeate that many before her did. She was grabbed, thrown to the ground, and beaten into submission.

-June 2nd, Hyrule Field, 8:00 p.m.-

Link was galloping through Hyrule Field on his noble steed, Epona. Though Link was now the Prince of Hyrule, and soon to be the King, he still went out on a few rides. Zelda understood how much her husband to be loved the outdoors. So she let him go out on rides in his civilion clothing whenever he pleased. Anyway, Link decided that he had been away from his fiance for long enough and was now speeding towards Hyrule Castle.

He suddenly heard hoof beats behind him and the sound of two people making "Whooooooooo" noises. Link slowed to a stop and Kane and Pierce caught up with him. "I'm just saying, Leeroy has a bit of a point. Maybe he's on to something with his 'machine that makes noises and flashes lights' idea." Pierce said to Kane. Apparently they had been arguing while they were chasing Link.

"Please Pierce, that's moronic. What's next, some sort of machine that people sit in and it runs around on round rubber feet at breakneck speed?" Kane asked.

"Uuh, could you two finish please? I'm kind of in a hurry." Link said.

"Ah yes." Kane said, getting off his horse. "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" Kane asked.

"No, I don't actually." Link said.

"You were going 10,000 paces per minute over the speed limit." Kane said.

"Speed limit, since when does Hyrule have a speed limit?" Link asked.

"Since the HKD made one." Kane said, writing something down on a pad of paper.

"Do you have any clue how retarted that sounds?" Link asked.

"Hey, we don't make the law we just enforce it." Pierce said.

"Here's your ticket sir, now have a nice day." Kane said, tearing the ticket off of the pad and handing it to Link.

"500 rupees! How can you charge that much for speeding?" Link said in shock.

"What if you hit a school carrage? You think about that when you want to speed againe." Pierce said.

"School carrage? Now I know you're making this up." Link said.

"Are you calling us liers?" Kane asked.

"Want me to say it againe?" Link asked.

"I will teach you to respect my authority!" Kane yelled, drawing his sword. (I do not own South Park. Oh, and don't worry about Link. He took on endless hordes of monsters, I think he can take two idiotic knights.)

END OF CHAPTER: 6

There it finally is, chapter six. Be sure to give me a few suggestions in your reviews. Thanks all.


	7. The Phantom Jail Cell

-Vaati's Apprentice taps and scribbles furiously on the touch screen of his Nintendo DS- Yes, no creature can stand against the might of my sword! Oh, sorry. Well if you havn't heard, the new Legend of Zelda just came out (JOY!!!)! And of course I had to go get one. And so, I will be dedicating this episode of KNIGHTS entirely to the Phantom Hourglass. I havn't gotten that far yet, so I'll just be arresting some of the charectors you meet pretty early on. And I'll try to keep spoilers at a minimum. On a side note, I've been using lyrics from the "COPS" theme song to name my chapters. But I've run out of ideas for that. So I'll just be naming the chapters myself from now on (and I suck at naming chapters). Oh, and a cookie to anyone who can find the Code Monkeys parody in this chapter. I do not own the Legend of Zelda. On to the chapter!

CHAPTER 7: THE PHANTOM JAIL CELL

-July 5th, The Great Sea, 6:00 p.m.-

Linebeck navigated his steamship through the vast waters of the Great See. Suddenly, there was a voice behind the ship. "Attention, pull your boat over!" Leeroy yelled through a megaphone while standing on the prow of an HKD steamship.

Linebeck didn't know what was going on (or where he should pull over for that matter), but he pulled his ship over to the right and killed the engine.

"Sir, do you have any clue how fast you were going back there?" Spark asked, coming out from the engine room.

"Uuh, I don't know. About 15 knots." Linebeck guessed.

"Yes, and that's exactly 5 knots over the speed limit." Leeroy said, writing down a ticket on a pad of paper.

"What the (BLEEP)!? Since when does the Great Sea have a speed limit?" Linebeck asked, looking at the ticket that Leeroy had handed him.

"Since those two ships collided and the owners beheaded each other over who would pay for the damage." Spark said.

"But the only people besides me who are ever on the water is that gigantic pussy who thinks he's a hero, Jolene the want to be pirate, and that mentally unstable ship shop owner." Linebeck said.

"Actually, it was Jolene and the gigantic pussy who killed each other. And the shop owner's ship was burned." Leeroy said.

-a few years ago-

Link was inside Beedle's ship shop buying some bait. "There you are sir. You now have one point saved up. You should try to save up one hundred points." Beedle said, handing Link a bag of bait.

_"Hmm, I must get some sort of rare weapon for gathering all those points." _Link thought to himself.

After several days of monster killing and rupee gathering, Link had enough rupees to buy the other 99 items he needed. "Thank you sir, now you shall get your reward." Beedle said, handing Link the gigantic pile of useless junk he ordered. "You are great, great, so great! FANTASTIC!!! There, isn't it nice to be complimented?" Beedle asked. Link burned Beedle's ship to the bottom of the ocean.

-back to the present-

"OK, so then why have a speed limit if I , the great Linebeck, am the only person on the water?" Linebeck asked.

"Wait, did you just say your name is Linebeck?" Leeroy asked. Linebeck nodded. "OK then, here's another ticket for child abuse for the time you shook Link repeatedly. And here's one for fakeing an injury." Leeroy said, handing Linebeck a couple more tickets.

"What, I was fakeing a sprained ankle!" Linebeck yelled in rage.

"Well a sprained ankle is an injury." Spark said.

"And here's another one for illegal modifications to your boat. And that's about it, have a nice day sir." Leeroy said.

"That's enough distractions, we need to find someone who can put a canon on this boat. We don't want to risk another monster attack." Spark said.

"Well sir, if you recall, we recently saw Ed the canon mechanic and Astrid the fortune teller at the Isle of Embers." Leeroy said.

"Of course, let's go ask Astrid if she knows where we can find a canon!" Spark proclaimed.

"Exelent plan, sir." Leeroy said with a sigh. With that, Spark re entered the engine room. And the two knights sailed off, leaving Linebeck with his enormous fine.

-July 6th, Merkay Island, 5:00 p.m.-

Ashei and Fenix were on Merkay and headed towards the home of the old hermit Oshus. "We've been getting some reports of some strange activities going on up here, yeah. So we're just going to check things out." Ashei said.

"It seems like we always get the vague missions." Fenix pointed out.

"Well it could be worse, yeah." Ashei didn't even need to explaine how it could be worse. Not too long ago Officer Kor and Officer Grifon had to arrest a mentally disturbed Goron who had been killing the cows in Romani Ranch and using their bladders as flotation devices. He had convinced himself that the cows were silently plotting to melt the snow off of Snowhead Mountain, thereby flooding all of Termina.

Anyway, Ashei and Fenix approached Oshus' home and Ashei knocked on the door. A feeble old man opened the door. "Yes, how can I assist you young ladies?" Oshus asked.

"Hello sir, we were told about some strange activities up here. Have you seen anything a little out of the ordinary?" Fenix asked, smiling at the old man.

Oshus scratched his beard in thought before answering. "No, I can't say I have." he said.

"Ashei, we must've gotten the wrong address or something. There's no way this old man could be..." Fenix was cut off when Ashei put her hand over her mouth. Ashei had a suspicious look in her eyes and was smelling the air a little.

"Let me see that staff." Ashei said, putting her hand out.

"Well now, you wouldn't part an old man from his walking stick would you?" Oshus asked, nervously clutching his long red staff with a large conk shell attached to the top.

Ashei ripped the staff out of Oshus' hands and dug around inside the conk shell. She then pulled out a bag of grass like material. Ashei sniffed the contents of the bag. "It's weed." she said.

"Well can you blame me!? That damn fairy, Ciela, is always talking and ranting, I _need _to be high at all times to drown her out." Oshus explained.

"Well you won't need weed where you're going. You're under arrest for possesion of a controlled substance, yeah." Ashei said.

"Well you'll have to catch me first!" Oshus yelled. However, he only took one step before a loud cracking noise was heard. "Ow, my hip!" Oshus yelled before falling to the ground in pain.

-July 8th, Island of Embers, 8:00 p.m.-

Kane and Pierce were taking a bit of a break on their HKD steamship that was docked at the Island of Embers after completeing their previous mission. "That was a fine job you did back there, Pierce. I'm going to make sure you're put up for a medal." Kane said before taking another drink from his mug.

"Thanks, you pretty good yourself out there. That sure was one crazy firefight. Five armed robbers with millions of rupees." Pierce said, recalling the bank robery that they had responded to on Merkay Island.

"Yeah, and only thirty civilians were killed in the cross-fire... a new record! But did you really need to use flaming arrows?" Kane asked.

"I told you, that orphanage was going to burn down eventually." Pierce retorted.

"Well anyway, we need to get going. Our job isn't over yet." Pierce said, finishing off his drink and grabbing his sword.

The two knights left their steamship and proceeded towards Astrid's house. The two opened the door and entered. Astrid was sitting at her desk reading a spellbook. "Hello there, is there anything that I can do for you two today?" Astrid asked, looking up from her book.

"Yes, we need some information. We're with the HKD." Kane said, flashing his badge.

Astrid jumped to her feet at the sight of an actuall member of the HKD. "Damnit, I knew this was going to happen! Now what's this about, the mail froad skeem? Getting those kids drunk? I did not know they were cooking meth in the back of that cock fighting ring!" Astrid said.

"Stop it! You're under arrest for tax evasion." Kane said.

"Wow, talk about dodging arrows." Astrid said, breathing a sigh of relief. "So what do I owe you?" she asked.

"Your home, your money, and all your possesions." Kane said.

"Unless you have something else we might want." Pierce said.

"Well, I tell you what. I had this little fortune telling business of mine funded by a drug lord by the name of Ed. He poses as a canon mechanic on Canon Island. And I'm currently still in debt to him. But he's on this island, and I'm prepared to deliver him straight to you. Provided we forget about that other little mess." Astrid said.

"The cock fighting ring?" Pierce guessed.

"No not that, the thing you were actually going to charge me with. The tax evasion thingy." Astrid quikly said.

-a few hours later-

Astrid was standing in the middle of a barren field when Ed walked up to her. "Astrid, I assume you are here because you have my money." Ed said in an Italian accent.

"Actually Ed, the notorious drug lord who has both illegal money and drugs, I do not really have your money." Astrid said.

"Oh no you didn't!" Ed yelled.

"Oh yes I did. Help, I need someone with bows!" Astrid yelled out.

Kane and Pierce jumped out from behind some rocks with their bows in their hands and arrows drawn back. "You're under arrest!" Kane said.

"I knew this was a set up! That's the way you want to play you no good son of a bitch!? Then say hello to my little friends!" Ed yelled. With that, two burly men with crossbows leaped out from behind Ed and started firing at the knights.

Kane and Pierce dove behind a rock. "This is it, we're both going to die!" Kane said frantically.

"I love you man. Just so you know, I kissed you one time when you were sleeping but it was just a gag." Pierce said.

"You did what!?" Kane yelled, rising to his feet. Just then, he was hit by one of the enemies arrows. He fell to the ground in pain. "I just got shot in the ass. Man that hurt." Kane said.

Luckily, the two provided enough distraction for Astrid to sneak around to Ed's side and kill both him and his guards with her fire magic. "Oh, is it over?" Pierce asked, peeking out from behind the rock.

"Yup, thanks for the help you two. Don't worry about these bodies, I'll take them to the usuall place." Astrid said, picking up Ed's charred remains.

Pierce decided it was better not to ask what the story was behind her "usuall place" and instead picked up his partially crippled friend and helped him walk back to the ship.

END OF CHAPTER: 7

Finally, another update. I would just like to adress one small issue (if you can call it that). A reviewer pointed out that it seemed like Vaati's plan was to have the sages arrested. And it was, but I don't know if I was really going anywhere with it. This was just another one of my stories that I thought wouldn't last that long. So, only time will tell if I continue the arresting of the sages.


	8. Fun with stupid people

Well, I'm glad that none of you got too confused by my PH chapter. And I'll arrest more people from that game if you want me to. All you have to do is say the word. Anyway, sorry about the slow update. I want to finish up my Smash Brothers fic so that I can start on a new Zelda fic that I'm pretty excited about. I would've started it already, but I really don't trust myself to work on three fics at once. Anyway, I have a bit of a goal that I want to accomplish with this fic. And that is that I want to pass a huge milestone by getting over 100 reviews for one story (prefferably all good ones). Only the most elite of authors can achieve this, and I want to be one of them. So help me out by reviewing. And tell your friends, tell your family, tell people you don't even like. By the way, don't forget to send me a request to arrest someone. And don't limit yourself to one game. I love using people from different installments of the series. I do not own the Legend of Zelda. On to the chapter!

CHAPTER 8: FUN WITH STUPID PEOPLE

-July 10th, Hyrule Field, 8:00 p.m.-

Spark was riding through Hyrule Field on the back of his trusted war horse. "We got a call about a homicide somewhere in Hyrule Field. I've sent Leeroy ahead to asses the situation." Spark said.

After a few more minutes of riding, Spark reached a cave in a remote area of Hyrule. Leeroy had the place barricaded and was carefully taking down notes. "Deputy, what's the situation?" Spark asked.

"Well sir, the victim is an elderly male human. Apparently his real name was never released, those who knew him simpley reffered to him as Old Man." Spark said. (A/N: In case you're wondering, that is the old man from the very first Legend of Zelda.)

"OK, and have you determined the cause of death yet?" Spark asked.

"I'm pretty sure it's the knife in his back, sir." Leeroy said, motioning to the bloody corpse of an aged man in a red robe steeped in blood with a fairly large knife sticking out of his back.

"Hmm, sounds like a stretch. But I'll trust you on this one, Deputy." Spark said.

"Oh, and this is Old Man's wife, Old Woman." Leeroy said as an aged human woman walked out from the back of the cave.

"Ma'am, I'm Sergeant Duron. I'll need to ask you a few questions. Did your husband have anyone with a grudge against him, someone with a reason to kill him?" Spark asked.

"Everyone! All my husband ever did was send people on suicidle quests with nothing to protect themselves but a piece of wood. There was a young lad in green who my husband sent on a particularly mornic quest. He survived and even rescued the princess. But he never forgave my husband for not warning him about the monster infested dungeons he would have to go through." Old Woman said.

"Hmm, I see." Spark said. Spark continued asking Old Woman questions while jotting her answers down on paper. "I've got it! After carefull scientific deduction, I have discovered who killed Old Man." Spark proclaimed.

"Really, who is it sir?" Leeroy asked.

"Simple, Deputy... meteors did it!" Spark proclaimed.

"What?" Leeroy asked, dumbfoundedly.

"Here's my bill." Spark said, handing Old Woman a bill.

Old Woman's eyes widened with shock before she clutched and her chest and fell to the ground while making strange gurgling noises. "By the goddesses, she's having a heart attack! Sir, do something!" Leeroy yelled.

"I'm on break." Spark said, looking at the small sundial that was strapped to his wrist.

-July 12th, Hena and Iza's Playground for Grownups, 4:00 p.m.-

Ashei and Fenix had recieved yet another vague report of suspicious activity. This time at Iza's boat rental. "Once againe we're stuck with the vague reports, yeah." Ashei said, reading the report.

"Come on Ashei, this is a chance for us to purge Hyrule of any wrong doers. Plus, it gives me a chance to search for more flowers." Fenix said, leafing through her pressed flower collection.

"But your wallet was stolen on our last mission, yeah." Ashei said.

"Well now I finally don't have to look at that horrible horse rider's license pictograph anymore." Fenix said.

"How can you be so happy all the time?" Ashei asked.

"Well, maybe I'm just one of those people who chooses to look at the good things in life. That, or it could be from the crack that my mother smoked when she was pregnant with me." Fenix said.

"We'll talk more about that later, we're here." Ashei said, stopping in front of Iza's boat rental hut.

Iza was standing outside, making sure that everything was running smoothly. "Hello there, how may I help you?" Iza asked the two knights.

"You can help by answering our questions." Ashei said sternly.

"All right." Iza agreed.

"Seems like a nice little business you have here, yeah." Ashei said.

"It has it's merits." Iza said.

"Seems a little odd that you would pick such a remote location to do business." Ashei said.

"What do you mean?" Iza asked, sounding a little nervouse.

"Oh, I think you know what I mean." Ashei said. With that, Ashei lunged at Iza and wrapped Iza in a powerfull headlock. "Fenix, search her!" Ashei yelled as Iza continued to struggle.

Fenix plunged her hands into Iza's afro and pulled out a bag of marijuana. "So, this is what you're really doing here. You've been using these boats to send drugs down to Castle Town." Fenix said.

Iza finally broke free of Ashei's grasp, saying "Yes, but you're never going to catch me!" Iza ran inside with Ashei and Fenix chasing her. Iza leaped into the river and was immideately swept away.

"She's not going to survive that, is she?" Ashei asked.

"No, but at she'll have a lovely view of the river before the rocks rip her into bite sized pieces." Fenix said.

-July 13th, Hyrule Field, 2:00 p.m.-

Kane and Pierce had a bit of a predicament on their hands. They were searching for a particularly dangerouse and unpredictable person, when the mail man yelled "HHHHEEEEEYYYYYY" wich scared the sh out of their horses. The horses reeled up, threw the knights off of them, and bolted off into the distance. After Pierce stabbed the mail man through the head, the two sat down and began formulating a plan as to how they were going to find this whack job without their horses.

"Pierce, you told me you saw this guy a while back." Kane said.

"Yeah, but I just can't remember where." Pierce said.

"Come on, try retracing your steps." Kane suggested.

"Well let's see, it was last Tuesday. I remember it was Tuesday, because that's the day I change my underwear. But I don't like to let my armor touch my skin, on the count of I get rashes real easily. So I was looking for a place where I could walk around withought pants on." Pierce said.

-several minutes later-

"So after I was done clipping my toenails, I was wondering if I should use the special cream that's recomended. But it smelled kind of funny. So I tasted it, just to be sure it was safe." Pierce continued.

"That's it, I'm commiting suicide." Kane said, walking away from his partner.

"Hey wait, I'm not done retracing my steps yet! I still need to tell you about what I did about the boil on my side!" Pierce yelled after Kane.

Kane was searching for a nice place to stab himself when something cought his eye. Kane's heart became filled with terror as he realised that he was looking at the shadow of the being of suffering that they had been searching for. Kane ran frantically back to where Pierce was.

"Oh good, you're back. Now about the boil... oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting." Pierce said.

"Shut up Pierece, the..." Kane began to warn his partner. But at that moment, the perp was right behind them. It was... Kaepora Gaebora!

"Hello there, would you like to learn how to use those swords of yours? Of course you would, because I am the only one in Hyrule who knows anything. And therefore, I must fly around and teach every dip stick in Hyrule about completely obvious things. First off, grip the hilt of your sword. Then..." Kaepora was interrupted by the fact that Pierce had shoved a rock into his beak.

"That should keep you quite for a while. Now show me your license." Pierce demanded.

Kaepora just looked at him with a confused look. "Every talking animal and/or inanimate object must have a license." Kane explained.

"That's right. Now where's your talking owl license?" Pierce asked.

Kaepora had some difficulty answering, due to the rock in his beak. "Oh, sorry." Pierce said, removing the rock.

"I have never heard of such a lisence." Kaepora said.

"You're right, that means that we knew about something that you didn't." Kane pointed out.

"Oh my goddesses, you're right! I'm a failure as a talking owl!" Kaepora yelled in despaire. With that, he pulled a sword out of his feathers and drove it through his heart.

"Well that makes our job a little easier." Pierce said.

"Yes, but the question still remains as to how we're going to get back to Hyrule Castle Town." Kane pointed out.

END OF CHAPTER: 8

The eigth chapter is in the books. Sorry about the updating, I now have a job and I just got back from deer hunting. I can barely find time to do anything. Listen, I need you guys to send in suggestions as to who I should have arrested. Otherwise it just takes a whole lot longer for me to come up with who to arrest, what for, in what way, and all the jokes. Believe me, you have no idea how much a small suggestion helps. On a sidenote, I've added bios of my OCs to my page. Go check it out if you're having trouble keeping up with the "who's who" in this story.


	9. Party's over

Sorry againe for the way slow updating. Like I said, I got a job recently and I just can't find time to do anything. Plus, it took me a while to come up with some jokes (hopefully they're good ones). I think that I should begin work on a new fic. Just to keep me occupied with something at all times. I have been thinking about doing a new Soul Calibur fic. But, I'll think about that later. I do not own the Legend of Zelda. On to chapter 9!

CHAPTER 9: PARTY'S OVER

-July 20th, The Shadow Temple, 10:00 p.m.-

Spark and Leeroy were wandering through the Shadow Temple in the Kakariko Graveyard. Spark was holding up a torch and leading the way. "Sir, we're lost." Leeroy said.

"Nonsense Deputy, I know exactly where we're going. I have the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a fox, and the instincts of a deranged Like Like with herpes." Spark said.

"Is that a good thing, Sir?" Leeroy asked.

"Of course it is." Spark said.

"Anyway, you said that you knew where we were an hour ago. And the hour before that... and the hour before that." Leeroy said.

"Exactly, that's because I _do _know where we are. And as soon as we get to that drug lord we're looking for, we'll be back in Castle Town before you can say 'burlap cheese monkey army and other fuzzy objects'." Spark said.

As Leeroy was about to open his mouth to swallow his pride and agree with his superior, a sound hit his ears. Leeroy pricked up his long ears, and he heard the sound again. "Sir, did you hear that?" Leeroy asked.

"Yes, that sound is called wind. It is very cold, and very blowy." Spark said.

"No Sir, there's something else. Someone's following us." Leeroy said.

"By Prince Link's pointy hat, you're right!" Spark said, now picking up the sound of footsteps. "Come out before I do... something!" Spark demanded.

"Very well." a voice said. With that, Impa stepped out from the shadows in front of the two knights. "It would appear that you two are lost. I tell you what, I'll ask you a riddle and if you get it right, I'll show you the way out and I'll let you eat me." Impa said, producing a fork and knife from her pockets.

"What!?" Spark said in disbelief.

"It's how they keep there population in check. Ironically, it's also how there race is now nearly extinct. A Sheika got way too good at riddles and, well... you can guess the rest." Leeroy whispered to Spark.

"Very well, let's hear this riddle." Spark said.

"Yes, of course. I've got quit the riddle for you. What's black and white and red al..." Impa began to say.

"Newspaper." Spark broke in.

"Well, you got that one right away didn't you?" Impa asked nervously. "Best two out of three?" Impa offered.

-several riddles later-

"How much longer are you going to be, I'm very hungry." Spark said.

"Sir, you're not seriously thinking about eating her are you?" Leeroy whispered to Spark.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Spark asked.

"Because I think she may be the drug dealer we're looking for. We were told that it was a middle aged Sheika woman." Leeroy said.

"You're right, so let's get these riddles over with. Then she'll show us out and we can eat her. Everybody wins. Well, everyone but her I guess." Spark said.

"All right, this one will get you." Impa said. "What's green and red and goes a hundred miles a..." Impa began.

"A frog in a blender." Spark broke in once again.

"Crap." Impa said, lowering her head in defeat.

"Now show us the way out." Spark ordered.

"Right this way." Impa said before sulking off down a corridore with Spark and Leeroy following. And Spark was busy sharpening his knife on a stone he had picked up earlier.

-July 21st, Kokiri Forest, 12:00 a.m.-

Something was going on in the Kokiri Forest that hadn't happened for some time. There was a hardcore Kokiri rave going on. The music was pumping, the lights were flashing, and the Kokiri were drinking alchohol like their lives depended on it. There had been raves when Mido was in charge. But they were at his house and only he was invited. Unless he invited the twins to strip for him. But now that he had been carried off to jail, there was a Kokiri rave every week. Ashei and Fenix were sitting close by to keep an eye on things. The citicens of Castle Town had requested that a troop of knights be present at each rave from now on since, at the last rave, the alchohol went straight to their heads and one of the Know It All Brothers yelled "Lets rob a bank!" before leading the other Kokiri on a charge to the Castle Town Bank. Thankfully, there were two petting zoos and a hot dog stand between them and a bank, so they never made it.

"I'm a little suprised that you aren't down there, yeah." Ashei said to Fenix.

"I'm still a little gunshy about partys. A couple of days ago, Pierce told me to get into the freezer at headquarters because he said there was a party in there. But do you know what was in there? A damn freezer!" Fenix said.

"Well, just keep your eyes open for anything suspicious, yeah." Ashei said.

"Does that count as suspicious?" Fenix asked, pointing at the village shop.

"Oh, by the grace of Farore." Ashei said, seeing what Fenix was talking about. Saria was standing on top of the shop with big frosty mug of beer in one hand, and twirling her tunic around her head with the other hand. "Let's go, before I gauge my eyes out." Ashei said, getting up from her sitting position.

Saria leaped off of the roof of the shop and was caught by the Kokiri below. The crowd threw Saria up into the air. But when she came back down, she was caught by Ashei who had a very angry look on her face. "How's it going?" Saria asked, too drunk to be concerned about her predicament. Ashei didn't answer, she simply carried Saria away by her hair, like a small child being punished by a parent.

Ashei threw Saria down onto the bridge at the entrance to the forest. "Put this on." Fenix ordered, throwing Saria's tunic at her.

"Are you aware of what you were doing back there?" Ashei asked.

"Uuuh, no." Saria said, pulling her tunic on.

"You were having a little too much fun, yeah. Indecent exposure is a class two felony." Ashei explained.

"Hey, it's a free world. I can do what I want." Saria said.

"Not when you're already pending trial for an attempted robbery, yeah. Now, if this were a Hyrule Park concert I would probably understand." Ashei said.

"How could you understand? Unless..." Fenix said. Her eyes widened in shock as she thought of what might have happened. "Did you..." she began to ask Ashei.

"Hey, I had never tasted ale before!" Ashei yelled, trying to defend herself. Saria began snickering under her breath. "Do you think I'm funny, yeah!?" Ashei yelled, pointing her sword at Saria. "Do I have a sign stamped across my forehead that says 'hi, I'm damn funny'!?" Ashei continued to yell.

"No, I was laughing about something else." Saria said, getting a little freaked out.

"I'll show you what happens when you laugh at me!" Ashei yelled.

-July 22nd, Zora's Domain, 2:00 p.m.-

Kane and Pierce were inside the Zora's Domain speaking with a few Zora's who were holding picket signs. Some of the Zora's were wearing charm bracelets, head bands and tye-dye shirts. Kane was talking the Zora who appeared to be their leader. "So this monster comes down from the mountain and hunts your Reek Fish?" Kane asked.

"Yeah, the Reek Fish is one of Mother Earth's most beloved creatures. I don't know why anyone would want to hunt them." the Zora said.

"What's the big deal? Animals eat other animals, it's nature." Pierce said, not at all interested in being where he was.

"No it's not, we taught a Dodongo to eat tofu." the Zora leader said, pointing to another Zora who was holding an extremely skinny Dodongo by a leash.

"That thing looks dead." Pierce said, noticing that it wasn't moving.

"You shouldn't eat something that feels pain." the Zora leader continued.

Pierce gave the Zora a punch to the stomach, wich made him fall to the ground in pain. "All right, I won't eat you then." Pierce said.

"In any case, Kane, the Reek Fish is an endangered species. So we need to bring this poacher to justice." Kane said.

Just then, a few loud thumping noises were heard coming from the mountain. Then Yeto emerged from the small opening in the domain. "Leave this to us." Kane said to the Zoras.

Pierce and Kane approached Yeto with their swords in hand. "Oh, hello little Humans. What can Yeto do for you?" Yeto asked.

"You can stop poaching these fish, or I can stab you in the face until it stops being funny." Pierce said.

"Is there something wrong with fish?" Yeto asked.

"I apologise for my assosiate. You see, these fish are endangered. So you must stop hunting them or we'll throw you in solitary confinment before you can think." Kane said.

"The fish are endangered? Me so sorry. Yeto will hunt animals on mountain from now on. Not bother the little fish." Yeto said.

"Seriously? That's it, you're sorry?" Kane asked, making sure he wasn't dreaming. Yeto nodded. "Well, I guess our work is done here." Kane said, sheathing his sword

"OK, that's good. That's very Earth friendly." the Zora leader, who had recovered from Pierce's punch, said. "Now I want you all to join hands, and I'm going to lead us in a song." he said.

"Is he endangered also?" Yeto asked.

"No." Pierce said.

With that, Yeto grabbed the Zora hippie leader and shoved him into his mouth. Yeto chewed for a while, trying to decide if he liked the taste or not, before he swallowed. "Wow, that better than fish." Yeto said. That made the other hippie Zoras scream and run off.

Yeto suddenly got a very odd look in his eyes and started wavering forewards and backwards. "You all right there, buddy?" Pierce asked.

"Me think that hippie is starting to kick in." Yeto said. "Wo, everything is all fuzzy and colorfull. It's like being inside a rainbow." Yeto said.

"I've seen this before, we'd better get out of here now." Kane whispered to Pierce. Pierce didn't wait for an explanation as the two nights krept away, leaving Yeto in his stupor.

END OF CHAPTER: 9

Holy, slow update. But like I said, I just got a job. So cut me a little slack. Anyway, remember to send me in a suggestion for someone to arrest. Everyone in this chapter was sugested to me by somebody. So just giving me a little idea can help a lot.


	10. For the Horde of cats!

Well, I've reached 40 reviews. But that's still far away from my 100 review mark. Come on people, take some pitty on a simple Minish warlock. Anyway, I'm sort of fealing the urge to write another Smash Brothers fic. What I really want to do is write a Warcraft fic. I have some good ideas for OCs, but what I don't have is a story line. Don't worry, the (BLEEP)ed up world that is my imagination will produce something sooner or later. I would probably do a cross over between Zelda and Warcraft like I did with Halo. But there's no way I would be able to make them be Horde. Unless I turned all the Zelda charectors into Blood Elves. I would rather turn them into my own race, the Trolls. But I have a fealing that I would get yelled at by alot of fangirls for turning Link into a Troll. On second thought, I could totaly see Link as a Blood Elf Paladin and Zelda as a Mage. I'll think about this more later. On a side note, I've added a pole with the question "Who is your favorite knight in KNIGHTS?" to my bio. It has no real purpose, I just want to see who people like. Nobody's voted yet, so I figure no one saw it yet. Go vote on your favorite knight if you feel the urge. Also, I put a Family Guy reference in this chapter (well, I guess there's two). It's pretty recognizable if you're in to the series. The first person to find it will receive The Sword of A Thousand Truths. I do not own the legend of Zelda. On to the chapter!

CHAPTER 10: FOR THE HORDE... OF CATS!

-July 27th, Hyrule Castle Town, 3:00 p.m.-

Spark and Leeroy were at the Hyrule doctor's office for one of Spark's appountments. "Sir, do I _really _have to be here?" Leeroy groaned.

"Of course you do, Deputy. You need to see how the veterans keep up their strength for the fight against evil." Spark said.

Just then, a man ran out of the office and out the door screaming like a Zora being chased by a fisherman. "You see, Leeroy? That man probably sensed a child trapped in a well." Spark said.

The midget doctor walked into the waiting room with a clip board. "Mr. Duron, I can see you now. And pay no attention to the man who just ran out." the doctor (let's just call him Dr. Steve, since his name is never mentioned) said.

Spark followed Dr. Steve into his office and sat down on the observation table when Dr. Steve told him to do so. "OK, I'm going just going to test your reflexes first." Dr. Steve said, picking up his rubber hammer. Dr. Steve hit Spark's knee once and got no response. He hit Spark's knee twice, no response again. He scratched his head in puzzlement. He gathered all his strength for one mighty whak, then brought the hammer down on Spark's knee... still nothing. "O...K." Dr. Steve said in complete befuddlement (I just love saying that word). "I guess I'll check your throught." Dr. Steve said. He picked up a flat piece of wood. He told Spark to open his mouth. He pressed the Spark's tongue down with the wood and Spark's leg immediately shot foreward and struk Dr. Steve in his stomach.

"Sorry about that Doc. I've been told that I have very slow reflexes. One time I was shot in the back with an arrow and it took me two days until I felt it." Spark said.

"Very well." Dr. Steve said while getting up in pain. "You seem pretty healthy, I'm just going to mark this down on your record." Dr. Steve said, picking up a clip board. "Hmm, this is odd. It says here you're over 40 and you've never had a prostate exam before." Dr. Steve said.

"No, I can't say I have. I've never even heard of one before." Spark said.

"Well that's unacceptable." Dr. Steve said. "I'm going to have to ask you to turn around and drop your leg armor." Dr. Steve said, pulling on a rubber glove.

"Uuh, all right. You're the doctor." Spark said before doing as he was told. "So how does this work anyway? Are you going to check my pulse or- AUUUAGHAHAHAGA!!!" Spark yelled as he felt a gloved finger go up his... uhh, (for lack of a better word) bum. "W-What the hell was that about?!" Spark said, backing away from Dr. Steve.

"Mr. Duron, that's what a prostate exam is." Dr. Steve tried to explain.

Spark pulled his armor back up. "Oh, you'd like me to believe that wouldn't you? Well I'll have you know that rape is a serious offense."

"Rape? Sir, I'm a doctor." Dr. Steve continued to try to explain. But in anger, Spark slammed his hammer into Dr. Steve. Sending him flying through the wall.

This, of course, made Leeroy jump right out of his seat. "Sir, what just happened!?" he yelled.

"A deed has been done to the kingdom of Hyrule this day, Deputy." Spark said, walking out of the doctor's office with his hammer at hand. "Come Leeroy, we must go! Who knows how many apprentices that unholy conjurer of death has taken under his wing." Spark said. With that, he grabbed the back of Leeroy's collar and ran out the door to purge Hyrule of "evil".

-July 28th, The Forgotten Village, 7:00 p.m.-

Ashei and Fenix had recieved a request to scope out the Forgotten Village (A/N: Maybe it's the Lost Village, I can't really remember.) to see if it could be rebuilt and reopened. "I don't understand why you couldn't let me go on a solo mission. I mean, it's just a recon. mission." Fenix said while scouring through the rubble on the lower level of the Inn.

"Because the last time I left you alone you turned headquarters into a puppet, yeah." Ashei said, checking the exterior of a building across the road for any sort of insect infestation.

-flashback-

Fenix was sitting in a chair with a megaphone in front of her. Whenever she talked she pulled on a rope hanging next to her wich pulled part of the roof of the HKD HQ up wich made it appear that the building was talking. "Hey, don't come in here. I am the knights headquarters. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!" she demanded.

-end flashback-

"Oh yeah, that was funny." Fenix said.

"Well it looks like everything here checks out. There's just one place that we havn't checked, yeah." Ashei said, pointing at a small house at the end of the road.

Ashei and Fenix walked towards the house. Ashei knocked on the door. A small, red eyed woman answered the door. "Can I help you two?" she asked.

"Oh, hello there little girl." Fenix said in a bit of a baby talking voice, bending down to the woman's eye level. "We have have some grown up business here. Could you please get your mommy or daddy?" Fenix asked. She stood up and whispered "This has got to be the ugliest kid in existence. I mean, her skin is all wrinkly like some old lady's." into Ashei's ear.

"If I'm not mistaken, and I don't believe I am, I think that's an old woman, yeah." Ashei said.

"Maybe I should introduce myself, I am Impaz of the Sheika." Impaz said.

"Well Impaz, Princess Zelda wants to have this village reopened since there don't appeare to be any Bokoblins left." Ashei said.

"Oh heavens, you can't do that! Havn't you heard of the curse that has befallen this village?" Impaz asked.

"No, I've never heard of any curse." Ashei said.

It's the dreaded Curse of the Cheese Demon. All who fall victim to it turn into cheese and become minions of the Cheese Demon." Impaz said.

"OK, so why aren't a minion?" Fenix asked.

"This is how." Impaz said. With that, she opened the door as wide as it would go to reveil a house full of cats. "Cats are the only thing that the Cheese Demon fears." Impaz explained.

"Well you are aware of the fact that animal hording is a crime, yeah?" Ashei asked.

"Haven't you been listening to a word that I've been saying? Unless... oh goddesses, you're minions of the Cheese Demon!" Impaz yelled in horror.

"All right ma'am, we're going to have to take you to a safe environment, yeah." Ashei said.

"You'll never take me alive!" Impaz yelled. She tried to run out the door but was blocked by the two knights. And... well, you can probably guess what happened next. (man, I havn't beaten someone to death in this fic in so long).

-July 30th, Kakariko Village, 5:00 p.m.-

Kane and Pierce were at the resteraunt on the lower level of the Elde Inn. "Come on Kane, you can't stay mad forever." Pierce said.

"You shot and killed ten civilians. And all because you were trying to hit someone who stole a candy bar." Kane said, his face was buried in a menu since he refused to look at his partner for the time being.

"It's their fault for getting in the way of my arrows." Pierce said defensively. "Oh look, here comes our waiter." he said, pointing to a small, underfed human boy in tattered clothes.

"Help... no food... three days." the boy said, crawling towards the two knight's table.

"Yes, I'll have the fried cucco. And dont skimp on the Zora sauce." Pierce said.

"Pierce this isn't a waiter, this is someone's child." Kane said, helping the boy drink some water. "Who did this to you?" Kane asked. The boy, who was apparently too tired to speak any more, pointed to a dome shaped building near the entrance of the village with two Gorons guarding the entrance. "OK, let's get going." Kane said.

The two walked out of the inn. "Let me do the talking." Pierce said.

"I don't like where this is going." Kane said.

Pierce approached the door of the building, but the two Gorons blocked it. "What do you want?" one of them asked.

"Easy boys, everything's cool. I'm Joe Cruise. I'm just in this armor because I want to get a feel for my next role. I play Joel Pierce, a fearless warrior who defeats the Termanians to save Termina from the Termanians." Pierce said.

"Oh, my appologies Mr. Cruise." one of the Gorons said, sounding a little flustered. "But why do you want to go in here?" the Goron asked.

"I heard you guys were doing something illegal in here. I just wanted to scope it out so I know what a crime scene looks like." Pierce said, seeing no harm in letting the Gorons know that he was aware of the fact that something illegal was going on.

"Well ok, but whose he?" the other Goron asked, pointing at Kane.

"Oh, he hangs out back stage and carries my stuff." Pierce said, getting an angry glare from Kane. "But he comes with me." Pierce added.

The Gorons nodded, and opened the doors to let the two in. When the doors were shut, Pierce and Kane found a statue in the center of the room that had been moved. Where it had been, there was a long shaft going downwards with a net on one side to climb in and out. "So, wich one of us should go down first?" Pierce asked.

"I think you should." Kane responed.

"Me!? You're the one who just _had _to pull us away from dinner for some food deprived kid. I think you should go." Pierce snapped.

"All right, how about we both go down on three?" Kane offered.

"OK, one, two, thre-WAAUAGGHAUGHUAH!!!" Pierce's counting was inturrepted when Kane shoved him down the shaft, sending him to the bottom with a hard thud. "You didn't have to push me!" Pierce yelled.

"Yeah I know, but it was still fun." Kane said, climbing down the net.

Kane touched the bottom and helped Pierce to his feet. The two proceeded down the rocky corridor until they reached a large room filled with Ooka relics. There were many children working feverishly on excavating the relics. And there was also a man in shamanistic robes with a whip in his hand, barking orders to the children. He was sitting on a large chair that was on a large piece of wood with four children underneath it. The children crawled on their hands and knees to move the man around. "Pierce, that's Renaldo. The shaman of this village." Kane whispered.

A small boy crawled in front of Renaldo. "Master, it hurts when I breath." the boy said.

"Then what do you think you should stop doing?" Renaldo asked him before ordering him to get back to work.

"Let's get him." Pierce said. Before Kane could stop him, Pierce jumped out of the darkness with his bow in hand and an arrow drawn. Kane, seeing that he no longer had the element of surprise, stepped out with his sword in his hand "You're under arrest, Renaldo." he said, pointing the tip of his sword in Renaldo's direction.

"What a pleasent surprise. I was wondering who the Royal Family would send to silence me. Two knights, I'm flattered (A/N: An additional fifty rupees to anyone who knows what game that line is from.)" Renaldo said. "If you want me, then you'll have to take me." Renaldo continued.

"That sounded kind of gay." Pierce whispered to Kane, his arrow still drawn.

"My minions, attack!" Renaldo ordered, pointing at the knights. Nothing happened. "Minions?" Renaldo asked. He looked around to see that his "minions", namely all of the children, were merely groaning out of exaustion. "Curses." Renaldo muttered. "Time for plan B. Would you two be so kind as to hold still while I think of another plan?" Renaldo asked.

"No, I don't think we can. Pierce, take this idiot out." Kane said.

"With pleasure." Pierce said with a grin as he aimed straight between Renaldo's eyes. (A/N: I'm no good at explaining death scenes. So just use your imagination.)

END OF CHAPTER: 10

Man, that was one serious case of writers block. I've heard that if you focus on one thing for too long you'll get bored with it. And I fear that that's what's happening. So maybe I'll begin work on another project. But I won't be abandoning this one of course. Not as long as that review number is under 100. Well, I'll think about doing another fic. May Vaati watch over you!


	11. Make up your own damn title

Update time once again! You know, I was browsing through the Warcraft fics not long ago, and it looks like it could do with a good, healthy injection of Vaati's Apprentice-type humor. Anyway, the main contributor to my slow updating was the release of the new Fire Emblem. Yeah, it's been out for a while. But I only got it about a week or two ago. But I love the fact that you get to fight for Daein in this one. And the Begnions are the bad guys (I never cared for that country in Path of Radiance). And I recently descovered the magic of a band called Dragonforcre. I never thought that I was a speed metal guy. But I make an acception in this case. I've even programmed my X-Box 360 to play "Through the Fire and Flames" and "Soldiers of the Wasteland" while I play Halo 3. Finally, my Troll Warrior in World of Warcraft made level 60! (sniff) It seems like just yesterday he was doing his first Ragefire Chasm run. So I've been caught up in getting my PvP armor and weapons. As well as partaking in some Hellfire Citadel runs (that's part of the reason I love World of Warcraft, every dungeon sounds so damn cool). Before I forget, the Sword of a Thousand Truths goes to Zfreak93. And nobody gets the extra 50 rupees. The correct answer to that question was the Heretic leader in Halo 2. And one more thing before we get to the chapter, thank you to the three people who voted for your favorite knight on my pole. So far Pierce is in the lead with two votes, with Leeroy right behind him with a total of one. If you have a favorite knight, I encourage you to vote for him or her (the poll is on my bio page, in case you didn't realise that). I do not own the Legend of Zelda. On to the chapter!

CHAPTER 11: MAKE UP YOUR OWN DAMN TITLE

-August 1st, The Haunted Wasteland, 2:00 p.m.-

Spark and Leeroy were travelling through the barren Haunted Wasteland. Now you may be wondering what kind of evil-doer would be doing in a place full of nothing but sand, sand, more sand, and the occasional Leever. Well, they were sort of wondering that themselves. "Sir, there's no way a perp would be hiding out here." Leeroy said, dragging his feet behind Spark like a dieing Deku Scrub.

"That's exactly what command thought of. Crooks are always in the last place you suspect. But you're looking for _them_ all the time. It's the perfect crime, Deputy." Spark said, unaware of how many things were wrong with what he just said.

The two reached an area were the sandstorm wasn't raging. In it was a wooden walkway with what appeared to be a flying carpet with a man sitting on it suspended a feet in front of the end of the walkway. The two knights cautiously approached the end of the walkway and looked down to see a ten foot drop into a pit of quiksand. "OK Leeroy, I'm appointing you to recon." Spark said. With that, he picked Leeroy up by his collar and, ignoring his shrieks of protest, tossed him onto the flying carpet.

Leeroy skidded to a stop in front of the man sitting on the carpet. "Hello son, how may I help you?" he asked.

"Wait, you're a merchant?" Leeroy asked, picking himself up.

At this point, Spark had leapt onto the carpet next to Leeroy. "Let's just check this guy out, Deputy. Command says that there's a fraud selling junk out here." Spark whispered to Leeroy.

"Of course I'm a merchant, why wouldn't I be?" the man asked.

"Well, because this is a wasteland. I mean, it's not even zoned for commercial use... or any kind of use for that matter." Leeroy said.

"Hey, what are you trying to say!? Are you implying that I grow pot in a secret oasis then sit here selling useless crap so that nobody will come back and start to suspect something!?" the man yelled defensively.

"Uuuh... actually, I don't think that's what I was getting at. But that is a good story." Spark said.

"Damn it, I always do that! Well now you know too much, so now I'm afraid I must eliminate you." the man said. With that, he dug into the sack sitting next to him and pulled out a Bombchu. He turned the dial on the Bombchu's back and set it on the carpet. The Bombchu's eyes lit up and it lurched foreward.

"I'm gonna eat your toes." the Bombchu said.

"Sir, what are we going to do?" Leeroy asked, backing away.

"Just hold still, their vision is based on movement." Spark said, grabbing a hold of Leeroy.

The Bombchu spun around and faced the merchant. "I'm gonna eat your toes." it said, advancing on the merchant.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing? Get away!" the merchant shrieked in terror, running to the end of the carpet.

"Let's go Leeroy, I've seen what these things do to people. And beleive me, it's something you never want to see twice." Spark said. With that, he "helped" Leeroy get across the gap to the walkway again.

As the two were walking away, they heard the merchant screaming "Oh goddesses, he's spinning me around! Why is he spinning me around!?".

-August 3rd, Termina Bay, 1:00 p.m.-

Ashei was standing on the beach of Termina Bay looking at the house perched next to the entrance. "Well Fenix, this looks like the place, yeah. Fenix?" Ashei asked, not getting any response from her partner. She turned around to see Fenix in a bathing suit spreading a blanket out on the sand. "Fenix, what the hell do you think you're doing, yeah?" Ashei asked, walking over to her partner.

"Oh hi Ashei! Now, I didn't know if you liked Mountain Mist or Ko Ko Kola, so I brought both." Fenix said, taking a few soda cans out of her picnic basket. "Then againe, you might also like Dr. Salt. But I only bring one or two cans of that. You see, I don't know if he's a real doctor. I'm getting suspicious, I don't think he's qualified to be a soft drink." Fenix said, eyeing a can of Dr. Salt suspiciously.

"I don't want a drink, yeah." Ashei said, getting frustraited.

"OK, how about a sandwich?" Fenix offered, digging back through her bascket.

"No, I don't want a sandwich." Ashei said.

"Why not?" Fenix asked.

"Because I... I'm fat, yeah. I'm on a diet, I'm fat." Ashei said. "Anyway, we're on a mission, not on vacation, yeah." Ashei said. With that, she grabbed Fenix by her hair and pulled her towards the small, stone house.

Once inside, Ashei let go of her partner's hair. She looked around, but there really wasn't much to see. Just an obese man with tatoos standing around doing nothing. "Why hello there ladies. To what do I owe the pleasure?" the man said while trying (and failing) to look sexy for his guests.

"This." Ashei said simply, holding up a search warrant. "We've had several complaints from fisherman that you've been using some sort of rare object to catch fish in fishing contests, yeah." Ashei said.

"Hey Ashei, check this out." Fenix said, staring into a large, glass, water filled container with an odd looking fish in it. "Isn't it the cutest little mutant fishy you ever saw?" she asked, stroking the glass casing affectionately.

"So you like the fish, eh? It's a rare fish, it's called a sea horse." the fisherman explained.

"Sea horse!? That's a protected species, yeah! Sir, I'm going to have to arrest you." Ashei said, reaching for her handcuffs.

"Oh, we'll just see about that." the fisherman said while chuckling. With that, he pushed a button on the wall next to him. Wich opened a trap door beneath... nobody. The door was in a corner of the small room, and if anyway _had _been standing there the hole would've been far too small for them to fall through anyway. "Damn it, wait until I get my hands on that carpenter." the fisherman cursed.

"Well, it looks like we'd better take care of you before you hurt someone, yeah." Ashei said as she drew her sword with a grin on her face.

"Then maybe we can use his eyes as bait." Fenix said, holding up a fishing rod.

-August 4th, Hyrule Field, 7:00 p.m.-

Pierce and Kane had been searching Hyrule Field for a very important item. Prince Link's new crossbow, wich could fire an unlimited amount of arrows (A/N: I just got a Wii Zapper, and in case you don't have one, it comes with the copy of a game called Link's Crossbow Training.) had been stolen. Pierce and Kane had searched all day, and still had no leads on its whereabouts. Furthermore, Pierce kept showing off his new suit of armor. It was odd because he found it in the Hyrule Castle dumpster. "I'm telling you Kane, this armor was used by Prince Link." Pierce said.

"If it was worn by Prince Link, then why would he throw it out?" Kane asked, unconvinced.

"I don't know, but he doesn't know what he's missing. I'm invincible in this." Pierce boasted.

"Well anyway, it's obvious that we're not going to find this crossbow. But I recieved a disturbance report from Lon Lon Ranch before we left." Kane said.

They weren't far from the ranch, only about a hundred yards. They reached the gates and noticed that there were arrows stiking out of almost every square foot of the house and the stables. "Do you hear that?" Kane asked, pricking up his ears. It was the sound of arrows thumping into wood. They walked cautiously around the stables to see Dark Link firing arrows at the stable with... Link's crossbow! "Sir!" Kane yelled, noticing the crossbow immediately. Dark took no notice of him. "Uuh sir, I don't know where you're from, but here you can't use humans for target practice." Kane said.

Malon was backed up against the stable wall with an uncountable number of arrows stiking out of the wall around her. "I'm scared." she said softly.

I can do whatever the (BLEEP) I want." Dark said, continuing to fire.

"Let me handle this." Pierce said, shoving past his partner. "Listen up buster, that's clearly Prince Link's crossbow and-" Pierce was interrupted by the fact that the armor he was wearing suddenly become several times heavier, causing him to drop to the ground.

"Insert rupees to continue." a voice, wich seemed to be coming from the armor, said.

"Uuh, where exactly to I put this?" Pierce asked, taking a rupee out of his pocket.

"HA! I see you've never dealt with magic armor before. And yeah, this is Link's crossbow, so what? I'm his brother (sort of) so what's his is mine, and what's mine is mine." Dark said.

"Listen man, I've been dragging myself all over Hyrule with this idiot at my side. I am sick and tired of this shit." Kane said angrily. He pulled a small bottle with the imprint of the Triforce on it out of his pocket. "Do you know what this is?" Kane asked.

"No." Dark said, eyeing the bottle.

"It's holy water." Kane said, with that he tossed some of the water on to Dark Link. This seemed to seer his skin, causing him to drop the crossbow and howl in pain. "Yeah, do you like that? The power of Din compells you, bitch." Kane said, continueing to throw holy water.

Dark Link quikly melted into the shadows and ran off, still screaming. Kane picked up the crossbow "OK, we have the crossbow. Whoopdy-(BLEEP)ing-doo. Come on Pierce, let's get back to HQ." Kane said, walking away, still a little ticked at the long day he had.

"Uuh Kane, a little help here?" Pierce asked, the armor starting to crush his bones a bit.

END OF CHAPTER: 11

YAY, I finally added a new chapter. You know what my problem is? I always think that I need to wait until I'm hit by a lightning bolt of inspiration untill I can writh something. But I just need to learn to force myself to sit down and write something. Well, tell me what you think. May Vaati watch over you!


	12. Dude, Where's My Horse?

Well sorry about this slowness. I've been on a forum with my friend bhbman90. Oh, and I'd like to take this opportunity to say something. I'm looking for an old friend of mine named TheFireSage. FireSage, if you're reading this, senorita00twilight and I would like to invite you to join our forum... we miss you. Anyway, besides the constant nagging need to do a Warcraft fic, I've also been thinking of doing a KNIGHTS spinoff. Does anyone think that's a good idea? I just felt like getting some feedback before I actually attempted anything. Anyway, on to the chapter!

CHAPTER 12: Dude, Where's My Horse?

-August 6th, Kakariko Village, 3:00 p.m.-

Spark and Leeroy were travelling through Kakariko on their way back to Hyrule Castle Town after their last mission. "Sir, just out of curiosity, was all that absolutely necessary?" Leeroy asked. He and Spark had just gotten finished talking to a group of children at Kakariko Kindergarten. But Spark, who was supposed to lecture them on the importance of wearing your horse belt, warned them about a horrid monster named Sklaggleblork. He lived high atop Death Mountain and was a demonic dragon made out of spaghetti.

"Leeroy, these children are living dangerously close to Sklaggleblork's lair. They must be prepared for the day he comes from atop the mountain to smite this village. He is a very real threat, Deputy. I've seen him with my own eyes. Why do you think I carry this parmesan cheese with me all the time?" Spark asked. I should probably mention that Sklaggleblork's only weakness is parmesan cheese. "Do you hear me, Sklaggleblork!? You shall not claim these innocent lives as long as I draw breath!" Spark yelled, pointing a menacing finger towards the summit of Death Mountain.

"Well the point is, you seriously scared those children." Leeroy said.

"Please, it builds character." Spark said. "Now we should probably get the horses ready and get back to HQ." Spark added.

"Right. Uuh, sir... where did we park?" Leeroy asked, looking around for any sign of the horses.

"Park? Here? This is Sklaggleblork's territory! And, besides kittens and baby seals, horses are Sklaggleblork's favorite food." Spark said.

"So you left them unhitched!?" Leeroy yelled.

"Don't worry your empty little head, Deputy. They know the way back to HQ. Although we should seek some means of transportation back to town for ourselves. There's a shop right over there, let's see if they have some wagons to rent." Spark said, pointing at the Malo Mart.

Spark and Leeroy entered the small shop and saw that there was no one standing at the counter. "Hello?" Leeroy asked, seeing if anyone was there.

"Yes, how may I help you?" a voice that seemed to come out of nowhere said.

"Leeroy, stand back! The counter just spoke, it must be possessed!" Spark said, pushing Leeroy back with one arm and drawing his hammer with the other. "BEGONE, DEMONIC HOME FURNISHING!!!" Spark yelled, slamming his hammer down on the counter.

Splinters flew everywhere and probably would've impaled both the knights if not for their armor. Then there was the sound of someone caughing. Spark sheathed his hammer. Malo walked out from behind his destroyed counter, still caughing. "What did you do that for?" he asked angrily

"Leeroy, we were just in time. That counter was feeding on this child." Spark said, feeling a little heroic.

"Are you on crack? I'm the owner of this shop." Malo said.

"Wait, YOU'RE the shop owner?" Leeroy asked. Malo nodded.

With that, Spark grabbed Malo by the collar and hoisted him up to his eye level. "AHA, a confession! You're far too young to be working, kid. So I'm going to have to place you under arrest for child laber law encroachment." Spark said.

"Sir, you can't arrest him for labor law encroachment if he's working of his own free will." Leeroy stated.

"Watch me." Spark said, tossing Malo into a burlap sack and tightly closing it.

"Whatever, this'll never stand in court anyway." Leeroy said. He swore that if he didn't get that promotion sometime soon, he would develop a brain tumor from all the crap he was forced to listen to on a daily basis.

-meanwhile, on Death Mountain-

A young Human boy entered a dark cave high on the mountain. He knelt down before a huge throne with flaming braziers on either side. And there was a strange creature sitting in the throne. "My Lord Sklaggleblork, they know." the boy said.

-August 7th, Hyrule Castle Town, 8:00 p.m.-

Ashei and Fenix were going through west Castle Town on their daily sweep through the city. "It looks like everything's clear, yeah. The night watchmen should be arriving at HQ for their shifts. We should head back and punch out, yeah." Ashei said. But when nobody answered her, she looked behind her and saw that Fenix wasn't with her.

Ashei saw the door to the fortune teller's house swinging slightly. Ashei sighed to herself. Fenix must have seen the crystal ball through the window and got excited. She always had a thing for shiny objects.

Ashei entered the fortune telling house and, sure enough, there was Fenix staring lovingly at the crystal ball. "Oh hi Ashei." she said, turning to see her partner.

"Aah, welcome to the fortune telling house. The fates swirl about you. And only I can tell them... for ten rupees." the fortune teller said (I'm sure she has a name, but I can't remember it).

"Not interested." Ashei said quikly.

"You know what I've always wanted to know? Does the Grass Fairy really exist?" Fenix asked, taking ten rupees out of her pocket.

Ashei quikly slapped it out of her hand. "The Grass Fairy, what in the name of Din is that, yeah?" Ashei asked.

"She goes around Hyrule and regrows the tall grass that people cut. And only about two minutes after somone cuts it." Fenix explained.

"Well I have been wondering how the grass grows back so quikly." Ashei thought out loud. She shook her head to stop the influx of stupidity coming from her partner. "Look Fenix, I don't have time for this, yeah. Let me tell you a little bit about my day. While you were out doing contraban checks at the psycho ward, I was looking after a bunch of drunk, horny pollititions from Termina. Goddesses, my ass was like a pin cushion, yeah." Ashei said.

Suddenly, the two heard some sort of snorting noise. They looked at the fortune teller to see that she had turned her back, so they couldn't see what was going on. "What are you doing?" Ashei asked.

The fortune teller quikly turned around with her arms behind her. "Uuh, nothing." she said.

Ashei got an idea. "You know, maybe I would like my fortune told, yeah." she said, taking a rupee out of her pocket.

The fortune teller, who was too gready and dumb to think her actions through, put her right hand out. Unaware of the fact that she was still holding a glass plate with chopped cocaine on it. Ashei quikly grabbed her other arm and pulled her hand where she could see it. She was holding a snort-stick in her left hand. "I knew it!" Ashei proclaimed.

She placed the woman under arrest and wresteld her into some handcuffs. "I'm taking this." Fenix said, picking up the crystal ball.

"What for?" Ashei asked, still holding the fortune teller in her grasp.

"Uuh... evidence." Fenix said, hugging the ball protectively.

"Whatever." Ashei said, pushing the fortune teller out the door.

-August 9th, The Desert Collossus, 4:00 p.m.-

Kane and Pierce were trudging through the desert towards the Desert Collossus. "How come we couldn't bring our horses? We can't pick up chicks on foot." Pierce complained.

"We're in the middle of a scorching hot desert filled with Leevers, Pierce. What chicks are we possibly going to pick up?" Kane asked. But before Pierce could answer, Kane continued, "Besides, we're on a mission. We need to get to the Desert Collossus.".

After several minutes of more walking and Pierce's complaining, they reached the collossus. Kane looked up in awe at the giant structure of the Gerudo goddess. "Look at that, Pierce. It's a testimate to the Gerudo's will and strength. It just take your breath away, doesn't it?" Kane asked.

"Dude, that statue's got huge tits!" Pierce said. Kane sighed.

"Hello, boys." a voice said. The two knights looked at the entrance to see Nabooru standing there in a very skimpy outfit.

"Wow, I guess it is possible to pick up chicks on foot." Pierce said.

"Welcome, to the Gerudo Triple P House." Nabooru said with a bow.

"What does the triple 'P' stand for?" Kane asked.

"Proffesional pleasure providers." Nabooru explained.

"So this IS a whore house. HQ thought something fishy was going on. I'll have you know that prostitution is illegal in Hyrule." Kane said, reaching for his handcuffs.

"Now now, Kane. Let's not jump to conclusions. After all, she said it herself, there's no whores here. There's just proffesionall pleasure providers. So let's indulge ourselves, shall we?" Pierce asked. He strode up to Nabooru and said, "So tell me, what kind of girls do you have here?" Pierce asked.

"We have a fine selection of ladies for a handsome young man like yourself." Nabooru said, leading Pierce inside.

Kane had debate with himself over whether he should help his partner or just go back to HQ and report him MIA. Eventually, he decided on the first choice.

Kane went inside the collossus and saw that there were many Gerudo women inside making themselves look... well, whorish. He saw his partner with an attractive young Gerudo sitting in his lap. "Then what would you do?" Pierce asked exitedly. The Gerudo whispered something in Pierce's ear as a wide grin spread across his face. "And how much would that cost?" he asked. She whispered something in his ear again. "SERIOUSLY!?" Pierce yelled. The Gerudo nodded. "Well, I guess it's worth it." Pierce said.

"What did you do to him!?" Kane yelled at Nabooru.

"What, if he's dumb enough to cough up all his rupees for some slut, then let him." Nabooru said.

Kane threw the whore off of Pierce and shook him violently. "Pierce, snap out of it!" he yelled.

"Huh, wah... whe-where am I? Who took my lemonade?" Pierce asked in a daze.

"That's it, you've gone too far." Kane said, drawing his sword and pointing it at Nabooru.

"If you want a fight, you'll have to get through my whores first." Nabooru said, nothing happened. "I said, if you want a fight, you'll have to get through my whores first!" Nabooru yelled.

The Gerudos turned to her with angry looks on their faces. "Who are you calling a whore, bitch!?" one Gerudo yelled.

"Let's get her!" another Gerudo yelled as the mob tackled Nabooru.

Kane took the opportunity to drag Pierce out of the collossus while Pierce mumbled something about demonic chestnuts.

END OF CHAPTER: 12

It sure feels good to get another chapter up. This one was a little more random than most, but I liked it. Keep those reviews coming.


	13. Hyrule Idol

Despite what a few of you may have been thinking, I am indeed still here. I've just been on WOW doing some good old fashioned grinding in my new favorite zone, Zangarmarsh. So far I've gained two levels and enough gold for my epic ground mount training. And I almost have enough to buy myself a wyvern. But enough of that! The point is, I'm back. I wanted to fire off another chapter before Smash Brothers Brawl comes out this Sunday and consumes about a month of my life. And be sure to keep those reviews coming. I haven't given up on that 100 review goal. And thanks to iPod Junkie for the suggestion. On to the chapter!

CHAPTER 13: Hyrule Idol

-August 10th, Hyrule Castle Town Bank, 2:00 p.m.-

Spark and Leeroy were standing in line at the bank in Castle Town. Spark had a large brown sack flung over his shoulder. "Sir, do I really have to be here?" Leeroy groaned.

"Of course you do, Deputy! Standing in line for extended periods of time is a fantastic way for you to learn the virtue of patience. Plus, I need to make a deposite." Spark said, adjusting the sack on his shoulder.

"Well sir, could you at least tell me why that bag of yours is filled with bannanas?" Leeroy asked.

"We'll need them if I should fail in my quest to purge Sklaggleblork from this world and his magic turns us all into monkeys." Spark explained.

"Sir, I just have one question. If Sklaggleblork is made of spaghetti, then wouldn't he just fall apart?" Leeroy asked, not even in the mood for trying to convince his superior that Sklaggleblork didn't exist.

"Ahh, but this isn't any ordinary spaghetti Leeroy. The spaghetti that that accursed dragon is made from was made out of wheat that was grown and harvested in the Plains of Eternal Suffering. And it was cooked in the Kitchen of a Thousand Hells." Spark said.

Before Leeroy could say another word, the front door was kicked off it's hinges. Japas and Lulu burst in weilding swords. "Everyone on the ground!" Japas yelled.

Everyone but Spark fell to the ground screaming. "What's with all the screaming?" Spark asked, oblivious of the homicidal Zoras.

"It's all right, just do what we say and no one will get hurt." Lulu said with a much gentler tone.

"Correction, even if you do give us all your rupees, we're still going to stab you in the face! THAT'S HOW CRAZY WE ARE!!!" Japas yelled.

Japas saw the sack that Spark was carrying and immediately assumed it was filled with rupees. He jumped in front of Spark and pointed his sword at his neck. "Give me your rupees or I'll split you like a Kit-Kat!" Japas demanded.

At that moment, something within Sparks partially vacant head snapped. "Did you just cut in front of me?" Spark asked angrily with his teeth clenched.

"Yeah, and there's going to be alot more cutting of a different kind if you don't hand over the rupees." Japas said.

That did it. Spark dropped the sack, then grabbed Japas by the throat and lifted him off the ground. Japas dropped his sword and clawed in vain at Spark's gauntlet. "Nobody cuts in front of Samuel Duron." Spark said.

With that, he hurled Japas into the air. And with one fluent motion, he drew his hammer and slammed it into Japas when he came down, showing as much athletacism as Kirby Puckett (A/N: I would've said Babe Ruth or Hank Aaron, but I'm a Twins fan. What else can I say besides GO TWINKIES!!!).

Japas went flying straight through the wall and out into the street. Spark looked at Lulu who had a look of peril on her face. "I'll just show myself out." she said. With that, she dropped her sword, ran and jumped out the window.

Spark sheathed his hammer and picked up his sack. "Get up Leeroy, you look like an idiot." Spark said, noticing that his apprentice still on the ground covering his head.

"Yes sir." Leeroy said, scrambling to his feet.

Spark walked up to the counter where the frightened clerk peered over her cover to see if all was well. Spark dropped his sack onto the counter in front of her. "I'd like to make a deposit." he said.

-August 12th, Ordon Village, 5:00 p.m.-

There had been several attempts on Princess Zelda's life over the past few days. Link decided to keep her in a safe area of the castle until the would-be assassin was in custody. He had sent Ashei and Fenix to investigate. In their investigations, the knights were able to trace the clues to the small village of Ordon. There was only one person in this backwater place that would have a reason to kill the princess, and that was Ilia.

Ashei and Fenix were standing on Ilia's doorstep. Ashei knocked. Slowly, the door opened and a clearly mentaly disturbed Ilia answered. "Ma'am, we have reason to believe you may be involved in an attempt on the princess's life, yeah. May we come in?" Ashei asked.

"Of course. My boyfriend and I were just sitting down to supper." Ilia said, opening the door for the two.

The two knights stepped inside and their eyes widened at the grizzly sight. Ilia had written "Die Zelda" in what appeared to be blood in several places on the walls. She had many pictographs of Zelda hanging on the walls. All of wich had several daggers and/or arrows sticking out of them.

"Look dear, we have company." Ilia said to a life sized painting of Link on the wall. "Oh, how rude of me. This is my boyfriend, Link." Ilia said, stroking the painting lovingly.

"Of... course, yeah." Ashei said. "This girl's got some serious problems." Ashei whispered to Fenix.

"I can sort of relate. After all, whenever I go out on a date I always put Link's face on whoever it is I'm going out with. And check this out." Fenix said, pulling up the right sleeve on her chainmail shirt revealing a tattoo of Link.

"Isn't he just adorable?" Ilia asked, still staring at the painting.

"Uuh... yeah, I guess. You're a pretty special girl, yeah." Ashei said, trying to get her trait of thought strait againe.

At this, Ilia froze. "What did you just say?" she asked, looking at Ashei.

"I said you're special, yeah." Ashei said.

Ilia starting sobbing a bit. Then she ran straight to a window, opened it and leaned out. "Did you hear that Ordon!? A knight says I'm special! WHO'S YOUR VILLAGE IDIOT NOW YOU BUNCH OF BITCHES!!!?" she yelled.

"Uuh ma'am, why don't you come with us and we'll get a safe environment prepared for you, yeah?" Ashei asked.

"If by that you mean a chapel where Link and I can get married, then the answer is yes." Ilia said.

"Oh I love weddings!" Fenix said with glee.

"Just shut up and help me get this psycho out of here." Ashei said, handcuffing Ilia.

"Bye bye honey, I'm going to go freshen up for the ceremony." Ilia said, looking back at the Link painting.

-August 13th, Hyrule Castle Town, 1:00 p.m.-

Kane and Pierce were on the afternoon watch in Castle Town. They had both just sat down to eat when they heard someone screaming "HELP!!!".

"Sounds like someone needs our help." Kane said.

"No, it sounds more like someone needs to shut their trap to me." Pierce said. He recieved a hard glare from Kane. "All right, fine." he said.

The two followed the calls for help until they found Anju crying in a street. "All right ma'am, just calm down and tell us what happened." Kane said.

"I was assaulted." Anju sobbed.

"What kind of assault? Sexual? Physical?" Kane asked.

"Verbal." Anju said.

"You were... verbally assaulted?" Kane asked.

"Yes. Look, there he is! That's the man that said I can't sing!" Anju yelled, pointing at a middle aged man with black hair.

"Sir, this woman has accused you of a crime." Kane said, getting the man's attention.

"Hey, you're Simon, that judge from that contest, Hyrule Idol." Pierce said excitedly.

"I have a beautifull singing voice. And he told me I suck." Anju said. To prove her point, she began singing. However, it was horribly off key and off tone.

Pierce covered her mouth. "Here's twenty rupees, go buy yourself something shiny." Pierce said, handing Anju a red rupee and shoving her away.

"My eardrums thank you." Simon said with a bow.

"Hey, I know I'm on duty and I should be out saving lives and protecting the innocent." Pierce said.

"Since when do you do either of those?" Kane asked.

"But do you mind if I audition?" Pierce asked, ignoring his partner's comment.

"If I said no, would you shove your arm up my butt and lick me like a popcicle?" Simon asked, obviously not in the mood for any more auditions.

"He just might." Kane said.

"Oh, well then make it quik." Simon said, crossing his arms.

"OK." Pierce said.

_"On a cold winter morning, in the time before the light._

_In flames of death's eternal rein we ride towards the fight._

_When the darkness has fallen down and the times are tough alright._

_The sound of evil laughter falls around the world tonight."_ (Fifty rupees to anyone who knows what song that's from.)

"I'm going to stop you right there." Simon said.

"So, what did you think?" Pierce asked.

"Do you want the truth?" Simon asked.

"Yeah, I want the full Simon experience." Pierce said.

"All right, I thought you were absolutely dreadfull. The sight of Moblins rolling around in a pile of horse dung while vommiting on each-other is more attractive than the sound of your voice. Listening to you is like being shot in the face with a cannon. Except instead of explosives, it's loaded with the WORST vocal performance I've ever heard. Plus, I hate that chainmail." Simon said.

Pierce quikly took out his bow, drew an arrow and shot Simon in the heart. Simon fell to the ground dead. "Nobody tells Joel Pierce about fashion." Pierce said.

At that moment, a scrawny man ran to Simon's body. "Oh no, Simon's dead! How are we going to do the show now!?" he yelled.

"Hey, aren't you Ryan Seacrest?" Pierce asked. Ryan nodded. Pierce drew another arrow and fired it into Ryan's head. Ryan fell backwards, dead. "Dude, I honestly can't believe I'm the first person to kill that guy." Pierce laughed. "Oh hey look, his blood has highlights." he said.

END OF CHAPTER: 13

There's my last update before Brawl comes out. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go brush up on my Smash Bros skills. See ya.


	14. Time for Training

Well, just like I told you, I've been gone playing Brawl this whole time. I kick serious ass with Wolf and Meta Knight. And I also got a new Smash Bros fic up (wich also contributed to the slow update). But I've managed to pull myself away from my Wii long enough to write another chapter. And keep those reviews coming, people. We're almost three quarters of the way to the 100 review mark (but don't worry, I won't discontinue the story after 100 reviews). And alow me to give you this moment of insane fanboyism. UBER-(BLEEP)-ING WOOT!! THERE'S GOING TO BE A ZELDA MOVIE!! I'm super serious. There's a trailor on IGN. And it looks too expensive to be an April Fools day joke. There's all sorts of beatiful scenery, I noticed Death Mountain, Hyrule Field, Castle Town and the Gerudo Desert. The down side is that it's scheduled for release in exactly one year. Oh well, you know what they say, good things come to those who wait. Anyway, that's my rant. I do not own Zelda. Onword, readers!

CHAPTER 14: TIME FOR TRAINING

-August 15th, Death Mountain, 4:00 p.m.-

Spark locked arms with the Goron wrestler in front of him. They both pushed each other with extreme force, both trying to push the other out of the ring. Several Gorons stood around the wrestling ring cheering on their brother. While Leeroy stood in the crowd trying to urge his superior on to victory. But of course, he was far too timid to be heard over the yelling rock men. Spark grit his teeth has sweat started dripping down his forhead. His muscles bulged and he let out a yell before delivering a mighty foreward thrust, sending his opponent flying out of the ring. The Gorons erupted into cheers.

Spark, after taking a few victory waves, stepped down from the ring and put on the training shirt that Leeroy offered him. "Good job, sir. Old age is obviously no hindrance for you." Leeroy said. Though he couldn't say much for Spark's intelligence (well, nobody really can), he had always marveled at his superior's strength. Today was a mandatory training day. And Spark had taken Leeroy to Death Mountain.

"Nothing stands in my way of finishing a mission. One time I busted up a drug ring while naked and drenched in chicken noodle soup." Spark said.

"What where you doing covered... on second thought, don't tell me. Some things are better left alone." Leeroy said.

"Alright Deputy, get in the ring." Spark said, giving Leeroy a push towards the ring.

"Sir, I don't think I can take on a Goron." Leeroy said nervously.

"Relax Deputy, I had a little modifications made to the match." Spark said, pointing to the other side of the ring.

Leeroy looked at the ring to see a Goron baby on the other side. "I have to fight _him_?" Leeroy asked in disbelief.

"Don't worry, I'll be rooting for you every step of the way." Spark urged.

Clad only in his PT outfit, Leeroy cautiously stepped into the ring. His "opponent" was sucking his thumb, blissfully unaware of what was going on.

Leeroy bent foreward with his hands on his legs and stomped the ground with his foot, like Spark had taught him. The sound of a bell started the match. Leeroy screeched in terror and braced himself for the weight of a Goron crashing into him. When nothing happened, he looked at his opponent. He was still just sitting there. Leeroy cautiously approached the baby Goron. He lightly tapped it on the side of it's head and jumped backwards, expecting a retaliation. But there was none. He approached the Goron again and kicked it lightly in the stomach. Still no response. Leeroy landed a few more punches, each one stronger than the last. "Well this is easy, he's not even doing anything." Leeroy said, treating the Goron like a punching bag.

"Leeroy, you need to push him out of the ring!" Spark yelled from the sideline.

"All right." Leeroy said with a smug grin on his face. He placed both hands on the Goron's forhead to roll him out of the ring. But before he could do so, the Goron grabbed his wrist and threw him accros the ring where he skidded to a stop in front of Spark. The Goron spectators burst into laughter.

"Good job Leeroy. Lulling him into a false sense of security. Why didn't I think of this?" Spark said.

Before Leeroy could explain his prediciment, the Goron baby grabbed his ankles, dragged him back into the ring and proceeded to beat the hell out of him. "Come on Leeroy! Right jab, left, right, uppercut!" Spark urged.

The Goron lifted Leeroy above it's head and threw him out of the ring. The other Gorons cheered. Spark grabbed his hammer wich was sitting next to him and stepped into the ring. "Hey buddy, that's assault on a knight." Spark said, holding his hammer in a battle stance. The other Gorons just stared at him, unaware of the fact that he didn't know the difference between assault and wrestling. Spark placed his foot on the Goron baby's head and raised his hammer. He brought it down and hit the Goron with such force that it sent him flying through the room, through the wall, and sailing through the air until he fell straight down a steam vent in the side of the mountain. "Woohoo, hole in one!" Spark said enthusiasticaly.

-August 15th, Hyrule Field, 5:00 p.m.-

Ashei was running through Hyrule Field in her physical training outfit. Running was a favorite exercise of hers. Of course, she was obligated to bring Fenix with this time.

Ashei slowly brought herself to a stop to rest near Lon Lon Ranch. She looked behind her to see that Fenix wasn't to be seen. "Oh great." she mumbled to herself. After retracing her steps, Ashei found Fenix chasing a butterfly in the middle of Hyrule Field. "Fenix, what the hell are you doing, yeah?" Ashei asked, adjitated.

"Oh hi Ashei." Fenix said cheerily, before catching the butterfly. "Ashei, I want you to meet somone." she said, holding the butterfly out to Ashei. "This is Princess MookaLookaChookaNooka. But I just call her Hannah." Fenix said, stroking "Hannah's" wings affectionately.

"Right... and how do you know that, yeah?" Ashei asked.

"She told me." Fenix said.

At that moment, the postman rushed by with a strong gust of air following him. "Dang, that guy's been doing that all day. I don't know what's gotten into him, but it sure isn't natural, yeah." Ashei said.

She noticed her partner leaping desperately into the air yelling "Nooo, princess, come back!". She clutched at the sky, desperate to get Hannah, who was blow out of Fenix's grasp by the gust of air from the postman, to come back. She stopped jumping and starting sobbing into her hands.

Ashei, not used to these types of situations, put a hand hesitantly on Fenix's shoulder. "It'll be OK Fenix. I'm sure she just needed to sign some new pollination bill or somthing, yeah." Ashei tried to comfort her. Fenix stopped sobbing and angrily mumbled somthing under breath. "What was that?" Ashei asked.

Fenix raised her head, with a look of pure, homicidal rage in her eyes. "Bad man make princess go bye." she said, sounding like a combination of Elmo and Hannibal Lecter.

Fenix yelled at the top of her lungs before speeding off while screaming boody murder. "Oh sh." Ashei said before running off after her.

Fenix ran with the speed of a rolling Goron hocked up on overactive caffine pills, with only one thought in her empty little head... kill the postman.

In no time at all, she sighted her prey. She lunged at the postman and tackled him to the ground, and proceeded to beat him within an inch of his life.

When Ashei caught up, Fenix was punching the postman's face while yelling random curse words. Ashei grabbed her partner and, using a good deal of force, pulled her off the postman. "Fenix, calm down!" Ashei ordered as Fenix continued to thrash around in Ashei's grasp.

"FENIX MAD, FENIX RIP HEAD OFF!!" Fenix yelled in blinding rage. Ashei was about to reach for the tranquilizer in her back pocket that she kept just in case she was ever attack by Bokoblins during training, when she noticed somthing. The postman's hat had been knocked off by Fenix. And it was filled to the brim with what appeared to be marijuana. _"So that's how he can run so much and not get tired." _Ashei thought to herself. "All right Fenix, have at him, yeah." Ashei said, releasing her now barbarik partner.

-August 15th, Lake Hylia, 6:00 p.m.-

Pierce stood at the small island in the center of Lake Hylia with a grumpy look on his face. "I don't see why I have to go through sensativity training." Pierce whined.

"Hey, it's your own fault for shooting that civilian in the face." Kane, who was sitting in the shade of the tree in a casual outfit, said.

"Yeah well, it's _his _fault for getting his head in my line of fire." Pierce defended. "Why are you here anyway? It's your day off." Pierce said.

"Do you honestly think I'd miss this?" Kane asked. To him (and everyone else) getting Pierce to act sensative was like trying to teach Gorons first grade math, purely impossible.

Pierce grumbled something inaudible, then said "When is this therapist going to get here? I want to get this damn thing over with as fast as I can.".

No sooner than he had said this, a female Zora in a flowery blue dress climbed out of the water. "Hello, you must be Joel." she said in a gentle, soothing tone. "I'm Lulu, I'll be your sensativity therapist." Lulu said.

"Yeah yeah yeah, great to meet you. Let's get this over with, I have a pie waiting for me at home." Pierce said impatiantly.

"I'm sensing alot of hostility. This is a place of peace and purity. Let it wash over you and take you to a world were anger and hatred are nonexistent." Lulu said, making a washing motion over her body with her hands.

"It's going to become a place of blood and gore if you don't stop with that flowery talk." Pierce said, clearly not trying/caring.

"O...K. How about we try somthing else? I want you to look at the sunset and tell me the first thing that come's to your mind." Lulu said, pointing to the beautiful explosion of scarlet and topaz on the horizon. "I'll give you an example. When I see the sunset, I always think of little Zora children laughing and playing in the waters of Termina Bay." Lulu said.

Pierce looked long and hard at the sunset. "Uuh, I see... eleven." he said after a good deal of time.

"You look at the sunset and you see eleven?" Lulu asked. "That's very very good." she added with obvious enthusiasm.

"Say what?" Kane and Pierce asked in unison.

"Eleven is seen as the most sensative number. You know how one is the lonliest number? Well eleven is two number ones huddled together, comforting each other." Lulu explained.

"Hey yeah. I think I'm starting to understand why I act why I do. I'm always feeling this other side of me." Pierce said, coming to a sudden realization.

"Yes, go on." Lulu urged.

"But I'm scared of what this other side might do. So I try to supress it by killing people." Pierce said.

"Don't be afraid of it. Listen to it. Let it guid you." Lulu continued to urge.

With Pierce's legendary speed, he drew his bow, drew an arrow, and shot Lulu in her head.

Kane began clapping. "Bravo Pierce, you've dug yourself into another shy mess." he said.

END OF CHAPTER: 14

There we have it. Finally an update. If you'll excuse me, I need to begin work on the costume I'll be wearing to the premier of the Zelda movie. Vaati be with you!


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